Running Around In A Blizzard

I woke up this morning and decided that for the new year I really wanted to be a .

Man, what a total dump! I’m totally afraid I’m going to get electrocuted. Still, at least there’s someone here who looks like he knows what he’s doing. Better go find out what he wants... Oh no! Those poor fellows with their (3/9)-addled brains! Still, I’d better do my civic duty, or I’ll never get out of here.
Well, that was pretty easy. I feel really safe with all of these (1/9)s around. And the nice man was pleased with my work! Wonder what he wants from me now. Oh, that’s all? Sure. What’s this new guy want?
That was pretty easy too, what with how many (7/8)s there are in this place. It’s scary down here, though. I really hope I make it through this alive... Wait a minute. What do you mean I can only-- but what about the rest of them? They’re still stuck down here! I’m just supposed to leave them to die?
Apparently I’m just supposed to leave them to die. Okay then. And it’s apparently time for my (8/15). That sounds double-scary. I hope I don’t have to take my clothes off or anything! Still, I really, really want to get out of here, so I’d better go do that.
What do you mean “... much”? I don’t like it when things hurt! Is it just me, or are some of the people down here a little weird? And why are there all of these assistants down here, but no (2/9)? How can they be assistants if there’s nobody to assist? Sigh. I also don’t like the sound of this kind of “action”, but if it’s my ticket out of this madhouse, I’ll get on board.
OH MY GOD WHAT ARE YOU DOING PUT ME DOWN! ACK, DON’T GRAB ME THERE! OW, MY HAIR! AAAAAARRGGGHHHHH! Phew! That was incredibly strange. Better go check in, though... Oh, this is promising. I definitely want to trust my molecules to a guy named (8/14). Just... gotta... get... out...
Finally, some fresh air! Just check in one last time, and I ought to be free. Wait, what? More assignments? It’s not enough for you that I got out, you want me to go join your stupid-- fine. Fine. I guess at least I get to meet this (1/11) guy... he seems like a big deal. Or at least he’d have to be to have that name. If I had a name like that I’d have gotten beaten up at school every day. I mean, even more than usual. Better go talk to the lady.
Oh, awesome! I get to learn some new tricks like (7/14)! Wait, what do you mean you won’t teach me yet? Not enough-- but-- how is killing some random wildlife going to change whether I can-- I don’t understand you, lady, and I don’t think I like you. But fine, fine, I’ll go roam the countryside killing defenseless leopards until you’ll give up the juice. Weirdo.
Alright, cough it up, lady. Not only did that take forever, but I’m covered in cat fur and I’ve got a million (5/10)s and cat teeth just taking up space. Oh ho, now that I’m good enough for your stupid club, you have a little test for me, huh? Fine. Fine. Just don’t expect me to do any extra credit.
Okay, I did your stupid test. Are you happy now? I-- wait, what? For me? For little old me? This thing’s fantastic! Looks great and makes me feel all smart holding it. Screw that other guy, I’m gonna go to the big city and show off this brand new (6/12). Lady, I take back everything I said about you.
Okay, big city, big city... think it’s down the hill, make a left and pass these disgusting slime pools... follow the road right through this village... Oh, sweet! A liquor store! Now I can sell off all this junk and buy myself something to drink. Ooh, (1/9), my favorite! Thanks, mister! Wait, what? Little girl like me drinks an ENTIRE bottle of wine and I’m just a little tipsy? What a ripoff. Anyway, big city... just follow the road, through the... spinning... gear... thingy... what? What the heck is wrong with this place? Oh, well, whatever, at least I can see the big city now! Sorry lady, no time to be your FedEx girl, I’ve got glitz and glamor ahead! Left turn, up the big hill, and here we are!
Got bored on the way, so I decided to tell some silly jokes. Oh, you’ve heard them all before, huh. Well, I (30/37). Just like for all that murder.
Woohoo! Big city! Bright lights, late nights, and all the fun times a girl could dream of! And... giant statues... of bearded men... and... glowing... pits... in the ground. This is not what I had in mind. Still, it’s a city. There’s gotta be something fun to do. Let’s head right for the middle. (Where did I put my map?) Yeah, that’s more like it! Looks like some awesome stores here... we’ve got a leather shop (kinky!), a nice-looking tailor, a general store, some kind of jewelry store, a restaurant (I guess?), and... what the heck is (6/8) supposed to mean? (And what kind of a name is that? If I had a name like that and I owned a store, I would NOT name the store after myself. Just sayin’.) Let me go check it out.
Okay, this store is weird. This one lady wants to sell me one kind of wood for 37 cents and another kind for $42.75. What is it, gold-plated wood grown in holy water? And I don’t know what’s so special about (15/16), but I am not paying nine and a half bucks for a piece of blank paper.
Wonder what else there is to do in this place. Ooh, is that a library all the way to the northeast? I never had a library growing up! And they have the coolest stuff! A catapult! With spikes and everything! Wonder what this says... hm. I don’t know what’s so (1/8) about it. Come to think about it, it actually looks like a lacrosse stick attached to a meat tenderizer. Maybe it’s time to get out of this cave, go somewhere with fresh air. I hear they have a subway here... Yup. I asked one of the nice guards and he pointed me right to it. Time to blow this joint. Eew, the station is full of rats, and there are two weird homeless guys here. But here’s the train! Not one moment too soon.
Open skies! Fresh air! (Kind of... I think this is the industrial district.) The streets are so complicated here! Better keep careful track. Let’s see, bear left out of the subway, bear left again, through a tunnel, turn right, and we’re out of the industrial district. Nice. Over the bridge, turn right for a nice walk by the canal, over the next bridge, turn right, keep going-- ooh, shiny!-- over another bridge, to the right, left through the tunnel, and I’m 100% lost. Wonderful. Let me ask this nice lady in the dress, (3/9), if she knows how to get to a sandwich shop. I’m starving.
Well, lots of good she was! She just said “good day to you” and “hey there” and other totally useless stuff, and when I kept trying to get her to tell me something useful she said some really rude things like “I’m kind of busy”, “what’s your problem?”, and “(6/10)”. Okay, okay, don’t have a cow! I’m just looking for lunch! Guess I’ll have to find my way on my own.
Keeping careful track again. Maybe I should have brought breadcrumbs. Okay, back out the tunnel I just came in, bearing right. Don’t cross the bridge this time, keep going around-- avoid the store with the fancy lights, I don’t want to know what they’re selling-- keep going around and through the giant tunnel-- woah, nice view! Let’s head down past this ENORMOUS lion statue and take a look around. Weird... some engineers here ruining the scenery with their noisy (1/9)s. What’s your problem, huh? Some of us are trying to take in the city.
Heading all the way down... ooh, what do we have here? Ooh, I love sea travel! But how to choose... hmm... let’s go with the one all the way to the left. Dum de dum... oh, it’s finally here! Let’s get on and head inside! Hehe, this guy with the mug is almost shorter than I am. And he’s got a funny name, too. (3/12). What a funny name. Whoops, we’ve arrived, time to go!
Woaaaaah. Pretty. I think I’m going to like this place. Wonder how I get inside? Oh, it must be that thing right up the hill... sweet! This place is so trippy. Wonder what there is to see here... guess I’ll ask one of the guards again. Wow, so many choices. Let’s see... oh, fifth one down sounds just perfect; I’m so thirsty. And she even marked it on my map and everything! Wow, what a selection they have! Sadly all of these look a bit stiff for me, except the (19/21).
I feel all invigorated now. Think I’ll see what’s outside the city. Past the big trees (what?), through the tunnel... wow. So peaceful. Let’s check it out. Hmm, let’s go straight east on the road out of town. There are some guys just sort of hanging out here, selling things... wait a minute. I can get a whole knife for 78 cents, but you want to sell me thread for... how much? Whatever (10/14) is, mister, I’m sure it isn’t worth $285. I’m going to move on. I think these guys are some kind of con artists.
Heading further east into this gorgeous forest. Woah. TIGERS. I don’t know what a (8/13) does, but I’ll totally sign up if I get to ride a WHITE TIGER. So sweet! Hey, I wonder what’s up this path to the north. Aww, what a cute little fuzzy-- hey, what did I do to you? Ow! Quit that! Hellllppppp!
Well, that was embarrassing. At least the nice lady will bring me back free of charge. Let’s get back to the road. Wait, this guy across the road seems to want something from me. You want me to get a what? What the heck is an (4/19)? Some kind of sex toy? No, I will not retrieve it for you. Perv. Man, some people. I wonder what’s further down the road, to the east.
SPIDERS! SPIDERS ARE FURTHER DOWN THE ROAD! Fortunately I managed to survive this time. Following the road north, it looks like I’ve stumbled onto a little wildlife preserve, with some cats and pigs and (2/4). This seems like a great place to take a break. But first, let’s see if I can learn any new tricks. Let me ask the nice lady here. Wait, what? Not until-- what? FINE! Fine, you silly white-haired weirdo, I’ll go slaughter some more wildlife for your stupid...