The commentary between two people is discussing two different kinds of
annual international competition—the Miss Universe pageant, and the
Eurovision Song Contest.
The “bitter kittens” in the title is a reference to fans
of Tom & Lorenzo, a pair of fashion bloggers who comment on the
annual Miss Universe pageant on
their website. The female
commentator’s interjected comments largely consist of direct quotes
from T&L referencing one of the Miss Universe entrants from a
country in a particular year.
The male commentator is describing a Eurovision final performance from
the same country, but in a different year. By finding the difference
in the two years, and using it as an index into the song title,
solvers can spell out the final answer, UNFORGIVEN.
A:Good evening!
Welcome to our annual live finale of this year’s competition. It’s so
interesting to see the broad tapestry of European culture and costume,
song and dance, performed live for such an enthusiastic
audience.
B:Sure. They just
want to see hot chicks in skimpy outfits. This kind of pageantry is
embarrassingly dated.
A:Now, now, none of
your negativity. I know some of the song titles can be a bit cliché, but the differences year-to-year between each country’s
entries are fascinating, absolutely fascinating.
B:Oh, whatever. I will continue to provide the fabulous and opinionated commentary expected under the terms of my contract, even for this event, because I am a professional.
A:OK! So here’s our
first entry! And we’re starting with a very high energy number with
such a distinctive look. As we zoom in you can see the band members.
Interesting, you don’t often see references to Ed Grimley these days.
I’m not sure why the lead guitarist is shirtless, but I have to say, I
approve. They do seem very enthusiastic about personal grooming, this
group. Also, I think it’s helpful that they put the title of their
song on the screens during the chorus so we don’t forget them when it
comes time to vote.
B:Hmph, this thing is
so gaudy. It’s like Liberté, égalité, sparklé!
A:Well, now we’re in
the slower bridge of the song, with dark blue mood lighting, maybe
that is more your speed. (Although I’m not quite sure why the
graphics are throbbing, but it’s got a certain… I don’t
know...something.) And we finish out with the bright neon colors so
typical of this group. What a great performance to kick things
off!
A:Up next, a change
of pace and a throwback to an easier time. It’s like the Smothers
Brothers gained four more brothers, moved northeast, and started a
band. Unfortunately, the baggage restriction on budget airlines is so
tight these days apparently they could only afford to ship 3 pieces of
their drum kit here for the finals. They are using a fascinating
backdrop, sort of aboriginal steampunk...or something...
B:Oh c’mon, it’s all
ridiculous nationalism. It’s like “My flag stands proud! My flag
stands bold! My flag is attacking me! SOMEONE HELP ME!”
A:Aw, a kiss on the
cheek, how sweet. They are all so very pale and so very earnest. I
think they really can’t wait until tomorrow, and they
probably do think that love is you. A big round of applause
for the 1960s, folks.
A:And here we have a
double act, coming out with their guitars to the applause of the
crowd. Oh look, the whole world’s behind them. And the moon,
apparently. I admit I’m not quite sure what the guy on the left
contributes to this song, or the four stealthily concealed backup
singers, but the lead singer seems very pleased to be here. And he’s
found the camera! Hello, sir, we see you, too. And there’s Jupiter!
I think they are using a very literal representation of their lyrics
in the graphics.
B:Please, if they
wanted to be literal there would be birds. Dead geese show that we
are valued and respected.
A:Oh, they’ve broken
out the autotuning, that’s always a good sign. And we return to earth
for the final verse, closing with the rhythmic clapping of the now
slightly more visible backup singers.
A:Our next singer is
revealed, barefoot in a gorgeous robe, her hair blowing in the breeze.
Quite a lot of breeze, really, I think the wind machine is a little
overexcited. Her choreography is a very interesting,
quasi-nouveau-tai chi? And just look at the pretty sparkling fake
snow showering down.
B:It’s like a
choreographed depiction of their most famous folk tale, ‘The Runway
Model and the IKEA Tchotchke,’ which ends sadly, tragically, and
soaked in blood.
A:Oh my, that man
came out of nowhere, that is very surprising, and this is now some
sort of semi-violent pas de deux. She’s certainly happy about it,
though, and in the end seems to have conquered her dance
partner.
A:Our next singer
steps forward to the sound of drums, in a beautiful red dress, a
slinky lounge singer here to entertain and cajole. Her backing
dancers, however, well they seem to be extras from a community
production of Fiddler on the Roof. You have to love their commitment,
though!
B:Arise, my
big-skirted sisters! ARISE AND TAKE BACK THE WORLD FROM MEN.
A:Oh my God! We’ve
given them swords! That’s a bad idea. You don’t often combine pop
music and martial arts. There may be a reason. And we have fire!
Pyrotechnics, swords, spinning, belting high notes, this number has
everything. Maybe it should give some of it back. I’m going to need
a rest after this excitement.
A:Oh, good, a nice
quiet ballad, and a rather dignified-looking male lead singer. I’m
not quite sure why his shoes are gold. Do they have wings on them?
Oh, wow, they do. Is that a reference of some kind?
B:Look, this whole
thing is here to remind you that all of this arises out of an ancient
story that positions women both as the ultimate in beauty and the
ultimate in temptation and evil, which naturally led to millennia of
subjugation and devaluation.
A:Enough philosophy.
We have backup dancers! And more pyrotechnics! Flashing lights! Can
we just leave the politics aside? Ooh, look, we’ve gotten two more
backup dancers, are they creating them through asexual budding back
there? This is fabulous!
A:Speaking of
fabulous, our next number has a moonwalking bagpiper. A Valentine’s
Day moonwalking bagpiper. C’mon, that’s just amazing. And the lead
singer looks fabulous in that little red peignoir.
B:Yeah, well, this
country produces 78% of the slutty costume aisle at your CVS every
Halloween.
A:Don’t be so
cynical. Their french horn is so happy to be here it’s sprouted
additional horns. And I always appreciate a band that doesn’t feel
obliged to actually play their instruments. Which, considering the
bagpipes and the accordion, is really a gift to us all. Just don’t
get those fake instruments caught in the fire, boys.
A:Here’s our next
act, an all-female group with a lead singer who honestly looks like
nothing so much as the love child of Eddie Izzard and Jennifer
Saunders, complete with tiny red glasses. I’m not quite sure what
she’s wearing under that coat.
B:Hmm. It’s an
adorable dress, and we get that it’s a take on folk dancing costumes,
but it reads a little too much like, well, just a pretty dress. You
should have beer steins over your boobs or something.
A:...okay… Look, it’s
better than the backup dancers, who sort of look like a female
Village People. That’s a lot of pleather on one stage.
Unfortunately they can seem to live with being quite off-key.
And wow, that’s kind of a disturbing final lyric. I sort of hope
she doesn’t understand the English translation.
A:Next up, we open
with a closeup of a traditionally customed male drummer, and pull back
to see the whole fabulously dressed group. That’s a lot of fabric, a
lot of tassels, and a lot of excitement. And for some reason there
are random cocktail tables in the back there.
B:This whole thing
seems to be set in a theme restaurant. I feel like that costume just
screams “On the back of my skirt, you can read today’s menu specials,
which include your choice of a cup of soup or a side salad with every
meal.”
A:Those aren’t
tables, those are drums! You know, I don’t remember belly dancing
having so many kicks and lifts, but it sure does look fun. And unlike
some groups that choose to use actual fire, they’ve just dressed like
fire.
A:Okay. Our final
number, and I think I must have had too much to drink at the opening
reception, because I swear those are flight attendants. Sparkly
flight attendants. This is the weirdest safety announcement ever.
Oh! The cockpit crew are the backup singers! Am I tripping?
B:Just wait for the
first-class crew to enter. “Come to our country, where we always make
sure your bottles are the cleanest.”
A:Why are they
wearing sequined livers on their heads? Really, why are they doing
any of this? I just no longer know. And thank you for flying Air
Inexplicable.
A:Well, it’s been
another fabulous year of bright, bold, exciting acts, with random
fire. Exactly what you’ve come to expect.
B:So, where’s the
afterparty? Open bar, I assume. Or was that the pre-party?
A:It’s both. Come
back next year, and thank you for supporting this year’s display of
national pride as expressed through hideous costuming and dubious
musical numbers!