Call 1: <BEEP> “First of all, I’ll put aside for a moment my disgust at the objectification of women on display here. That’s bad enough, but this just doesn’t make any sense! I’m in the building trades myself, and let me tell you, when I make something well I’d want people to see it. Why would anyone not want someone to see something because the quality of the workmanship is too good? If you want my business, you guys had better start making more sense, that’s a must!” <CLICK>

Call 2: <BEEP> “OK, I just gotta ask you about this because I don’t get it at all. I mean, what, do people smell worse in space or something? I’m no astronaut, I know, but now I’m supposed to feel insecure that I don’t even smell like an astronaut? I read about space travel and I don’t even think aerosol would be safe up there. I know you probably don’t care but I just had to tell you that I think this is the dumbest thing in the world!” <CLICK>

Call 3: <BEEP> “So let me get this straight. I’m supposed to believe that neanderthals and everyone else through history fed their kids the same slop that overworked housewives dish out to their kids now? And I’m supposed to feel good about that? So I can run out and buy some more of this food of the ancients to shove it down the throats of my kids and feel like I’m part of some cheap historical tableau? This one just got me too worked up, I need to calm down. I’ll go online and play Beadz.” <CLICK>

Call 4: <BEEP> “Well I just don’t know what to make of this. Is food a disease now? Except for your stupid food, which is somehow going to help me get over the illness brought on by other, more typical food? What kind of nonsense is that? What’s so special about this boring bowl of crap that makes it different from all the other boring bowls of crap? Well guess what, my family’s not eating it, even if it’ll supposedly save all our lives!” <CLICK>

Call 5: <BEEP> “So this has what it’s come down to, now? It’s not good enough for my bags to carry my clothes, now they also have to be tougher than all the other bags? What is there, some kind of baggage fight club going on in the cargo hold of the plane that I don’t know about? And if my bag doesn’t knock out the other bag, my stuff isn’t going to make it to Cincinnati? Well, I better get off the phone now, because I could go on for an hour!” <CLICK>

Call 6: <BEEP> “Look, I get that this is probably supposed to be a joke and everything, but I don’t find anything funny about the idea of putting children in jail. And for the sake of what, some stupid pristine floor? I just think it sends a terrible message and is totally insensitive to the suffering that children have to endure all over the world! But now I’m getting too worked up, I need to go take a walk around the block!” <CLICK>

Call 7: <BEEP> “Lemme just ask, where do you get off trying to tell me that the thing that’s going to bring my family together, and that’s going to help us get through all the terrible things happening in the news, is taking them out for a greasy fast food dinner?! That somehow your tacky restaurant furniture has some magical healing qualities that my kitchen doesn’t have?! We have technology that can put a man on the moon, but this is what’s going to solve our problems?! It’s so disgusting, just thinking about it makes my intestines move!” <CLICK>

Call 8: <BEEP> “I just have one question for you people. Why can’t I just show people pictures of my vacation without having to feel like I’m on a freakin’ merry-go-round! I’m just having a quiet evening with my parents, I don’t need to feel like I’m at a freakin“ amusement park! OK, I guess a lot of my vacation pictures were taken at an amusement park, but that doesn’t mean I want everyone looking at the pictures to feel like they’re on a freakin’ ride, too! Why isn’t it enough to just show some freakin’ photos that are in freakin’ focus? Ugh, you’ve made me so angry I’m feeling faint, before I pass out I better go eat some orange slices!” <CLICK>