Golden Wolf
by Ian Tullis
Answer: BEING
The puzzle is a list of 26 variously humblebraggy statements submitted for an MIT application question. The first step is to clue in on "gashly" and "kids" in the flavortext, which might call Edward Gorey's Gashlycrumb Tinies to mind. Each line, when read aloud ("heard about"), includes the sound of a different Tiny's name, always spanning one or more words:
AMC-10 exam: put in minimal effort, was easi(ly O)K to advance: | LEO |
Can inspect very large integers and deem the(m odd) or even: | MAUD |
Can't remember the last time my crew (rode a) school bus: | RHODA |
Didn't brea(k eight)y at the Boston Golf Club (a tragedy!): | KATE |
Drummed u(p ru)mors about wedding bells pealing for two of my friends: | PRUE |
Endured Princeton Review hell to (aim ea)sily for a 1590: | AMY |
Forgot to c(heck ter)m limits, asked to be made Student Gov't dictator for life: | HECTOR |
Gang was able to experience the Olympics in Bra(zil -- la) di da!: | ZILLAH |
Happy to teach anyone who pur(sues a n)ew interest... for a fee: | SUSAN |
I often de(clare a) thumb war (and always win): | CLARA |
Insulting if you don't sp(urn Est)ates right away in Dominion: | ERNEST |
Intrepidly tr(ied a) quintuple Axel (extremely dangerous!) and landed it: | IDA |
Looked into improving Back (Bay's ill)umination via chowder-based energy: | BASIL |
Learned the ancient languages. (All of) them.: | OLIVE |
Left cheese trail to e(vict a r)at (my brother's pet -- out on the double, you rodent!): | VICTOR |
Nobly managed to expun(ge Ames)bury's jail records while deleting my traffic ticket: | JAMES |
Nearly lost a friend over calling Ee(yore ick)y (he totally is!): | YORICK |
ODed o(n Evel)yn Lear operas while being massaged for 4 hours: | NEVILLE |
One-night jet trip to Bangkok for my birthday to see a Muay (Thai tuss)le: | TITUS |
(Ooh, no)ne of this ended up fitting in the word limit, huh: | UNA |
Once went ber(serk seas)oning a friend's plate with curious spices: | XERXES |
Simultaneously starred in La Cage Aux Folles and in a tou(gh Annie) role: | FANNY |
Severely disappointed when school's 5-hour limit on homewor(k went in)to effect: | QUENTIN |
Somehow (win e)asily at Mario Party (why? it's my secret!): | WINNIE |
Tide pool cleanup on "Exxon Val(dez Mond)ays" (unless it was a holiday): | DESMOND |
Threw hu(ge org)iastic (not really) push-up parties in phys ed class: | GEORGE |
The first letters of the clues (only!) are in alphabetical order. Putting them in order of the Gashlycrumb alphabet makes them spell ELITIST, FIND A COLD "SCHOOL SONG".
Continuing with the theme of children having a rough time, "School Song" is from Matilda: the Musical, and it takes the wind out of the special-feeling new kids' sails. It proceeds through an alphabet of words that include letter sounds, e.g. "ancient" for H. Each line includes one of these words, verbatim:
AMC-10 exam: put in minimal EFFORT, was easily OK to advance: | F |
Can inspect very large integers and deem them odd or EVEN: | E |
Can't REMEMBER the last time my crew rode a school bus: | M |
Didn't break eighty at the Boston Golf Club (a TRAGEDY!): | D |
Drummed up rumors about wedding bells PEALING for two of my friends: | P |
Endured Princeton Review HELL to aim easily for a 1590: | L |
Forgot to check term limits, ASKED to be made Student Gov't dictator for life: | R |
Gang was ABLE to experience the Olympics in Brazil -- la di da!: | A |
Happy to TEACH anyone who pursues a new interest... for a fee: | T |
I often declare a thumb war (and always win): | I |
Insulting if YOU don't spurn Estates right away in Dominion: | U |
Intrepidly tried a quintuple Axel (EXTREMELY dangerous!) and landed it: | X |
Looked into improving Back Bay's illumination via chowder-based ENERGY: | G |
Learned the ANCIENT languages. All of them.: | H |
Left cheese trail to evict a rat (my brother's pet -- out on the DOUBLE, YOU rodent!): | W |
Nobly managed to expunge Amesbury's JAIL records while deleting my traffic ticket: | J |
Nearly lost a friend OVER calling Eeyore icky (he totally is!): | O |
ODed on Evelyn Lear operas while BEING massaged for 4 hours: | B |
One-night jet trip to Bangkok for my birthday to SEE a Muay Thai tussle: | C |
Ooh, none of this ENDED up fitting in the word limit, huh: | N |
Once went berserk seasoning a friend's plate with CURIOUS spices: | Q |
Simultaneously starred in La CAGE Aux Folles and in a tough Annie role: | K |
SEVERELY disappointed when school's 5-hour limit on homework went into effect: | V |
Somehow win easily at Mario Party (WHY? it's my secret!): | Y |
Tide pool cleanup on "Exxon Valdez Mondays" (UNLESS it was a holiday): | S |
Threw huge orgiastic (not really) push-up parties in PHYS ED class: | Z |
Ordering the clues according to this alphabet makes the first letters of the clues spell GOOD - CALL IN SECOND OF THIS LIST. In this context, the second of the list is the word BEING (mildly confirmed by the Golden Wolf being a "creature").