TIGERS OPEN SUMMER EXHIBITION SEASON

SAUGUS, Mass. - The Tigers Summer Exhibition season opened up with a thrilling tilt between Team White and Team Dark. Goaltenders Derek "I Wear My Pajamas During the Daytime" Melendy and Mike "The Other Big Z" Zargaj stole the evening with some top-notch work between the pipes, confounding shooters on both sides of the ice. "Derek had these real pretty new pads and I didn't want to mark them up, but that rascal kept making saves anyway," says Team White member Jeff "The Cannon" Berk, who sent several Howitzer-style shots rocketing at the Black net before the night was up.

It's a good thing Melendy and Zargaj were on top of their game, as both teams continually sent four, sometimes five forwards rushing at the opposing net with little thought to defense. "Yeah, you know, we just played the puck and I figure those guys (Melendy and Zargaj) are good enough," remarked the White team's Jon "Cogzilla" Cogswell, "Besides, all we'd do is just screen them more; the net was already crowded enough with all those opposing forwards in there."

Tigers team captain Rick "The Fake Pete Rose" Barna opened up the summer scoring with a freakish shot in off Zargaj's pads in the early moments of the game. "I did what I do in the season - I try to get one outlandishly freakish goal and then just sort of dog it for the rest of the game/season," says Barna, "Heck, I spent most of the second half in the lobby playing pinball."

WEST NEWTON, Mass. - It took two games and an extra stanza to decide the game, but the Boston Tigers were crowned HNA Champions after Jeff "Hero" Berk pounded home a slapshot at 6:48 of overtime to vault the Tigers over the Blast and into HNA history.

"Jeff was teeing up on the point all night, so it was only a matter of time," remarks defenceman Steve "If I Go Crazy Then Will You Still Call Me Supersteve?" Gemmell, "I heard that the league is going to award him the Jack Bauer Trophy for Heroism, and he really deserves it."

The evening was fraught with tension, as the Tigers twice had to play catch-up in both the first period and the second period, responding to the Blast's scores with initial goals from Ming "Mingo Starr" Tang and Bob "What About Bob?" Goodreau. The third period went scoreless, despite multiple penalties that involved the Tigers ending regulation by killing a five on three Blast advantage, with Chuck "Serial Penalty Killer" Dodge skating like a demon.

Frustrations bubbled over multiple times, with the Tigers own goaltender Derek "Muscles" Melendy getting into the thick of things more than a few times, at point suffering an undeserved penalty for slashing after he was unceremoniously tripped by a Blast forward.

"They came at us hard last week and that's what she said and we folded. This time we responded," says "retired" forward Ross "Les Bosse d'Benche" Smith, who coached the Tigers to their win, "We stood up to them. Our crowd stood up to them. By God, if I was down there, I would have stood up to them!"

WEST NEWTON , Mass. - The Boston Tigers had a new experience last week - losing. And they did not like it; not one bit. "I don't like losing," remarked Dan "Dirty Dan" Hogan, "It gives me a bellyache. And I was working on a doozy last week."

A perhaps overconfident Tigers team came out flat last week against an energized Blast team and were simply overpowered, extending the Blast's hopes of a championship and sending the entire season onto the brink of this evening's contest.

"We got beat last week. We got beat to the net. We got beat to the pucks. We got beat everywhere, and that ends up counting on the scoreboard," says team captain Rick "The Big Bang" Barna, "I can tell you that I am psyched out of my mind for tonight," said Barna, liveblogging/twittering from a locker room at the Fessenden rink that he has already reserved.

Adding a bit of excitement to tonight's game is the rumour that Tigers legend Ross "Les Grande Rosse" Smith will be in attendance, but Barna is not impressed. "We had Ross Smith Night a few weeks ago and that guy didn't even show up. I even painted a magnificent portrait of Ross standing on a mountain, with eagles wings and kind of a horse's body, but not really," grumbles the forward.

The puck drops early tonight at 7:00 PM at the Coffin Rink in Newton, Mass. Good seats, as always, are still available.

WILMINGTON, Mass. - The Tigers entered Wednesday night's game almost a little too confident, never scoring the expected goals and losing their first game of the 2008-2009 season to the Blast, 2-1.

"We came out expecting to win tonight - we just forgot to make it happen," says defenceman Dan "Dunkin' Dan" Hogan, who attempted to bring the Tigers back out onto the ice for a gruelling post-game practice.

The Tigers couldn't get it going after a long post-season layoff and went down 2-0 before E.J. "The Franchise" Brown made a game of it by potting his second goal of the post-season.

"The good news is that we get one more game to redeem ourselves," says Bob "Optimist Prime" Goodreau, "We know how we can play, and that certainly wasn't it. We're going to come out firing on all cylinders next game, and make the last game like the first 21 of the season."

WILMINGTON, Mass. - The Boston Tigers historic 2008-2009 campaign could end on a victorious note with a win this evening over the Blast, a team that has had the Tigers on the ropes a few times this recent season.

"We have had to stand our ground all season against these guys," remarks goaltender Derek "The Quantum of Goal-less" Melendy. "It's true," agrees team captain Rick "Goonraker" Barna, "We have had to come back on these guys a few times, so this is going to not be easy by any stretch of the imagination."

The Tigers will again look to Bob "Nobody Does It Gooder" Goodreau to lead the scoring attack. Goodreau has 3 points in one playoff game this season and led the regular season in scoring.

This is not to say that the Tigers' attack is unbalanced - last week's game featured 10 goals from nine different goal scorers, including Goodreau, Austin "Doctor O" O'Malley, Ming "Goldminger" Tang and Chuck "The Spy Who Shoved Me" Dodge. Several Tigers had multi-point nights, including Dave "Thunderbonner" Bonner and Paul "From Westford, With Love" Steele.

"I am gonna be honest with you, I hate these guys," says former Blast Jeff "On Berk's Majesty's Secret Service" Berk. "Just seeing them in their soothing blue uniforms makes me want to hurl. If we don't beat them, I will. And Ed's driving. So we need to win this for Ed's upholstery."

The puck drops tonight at 10:40 PM and good seats are still available for what may be a historic game.

ARLINGTON, Mass. - The regular season over, the first place Tigers started the playoffs last evening in a game against the Red Dragons, the only team that was able to hold the Tigers to a tie during the regular season. The frustration of that game fresh in their minds, the gold and black took to the ice with a new resolve.

The Tigers came out of the gate fast, capitalizing on an early power play opportunity when E.J. "Paycheck" Brown popped in his first tally of the post-season at 9:32 of the first period, assisted by Chuck "What the Chuck?!?" Dodge. The hits keps coming as Bob "It's All Good" Goodreau scored two goals 40 seconds apart.

Goodreau's second goal would prove to be the game winner as nine different Tigers scored in the 10-2 route of the Red Dragons, including a welcome back goal from Ming "Mingo Starr" Tang, who shoveled in a lay-up to open up the third period.

The exclamation point was provided by Paul "Man Of Steel" Steele, who notched his first of the playoffs in a setup by linemates Ed "The Early Berk" Berk and Christopher "Look Ma, No Penalties" Di Guardia.

Steele saw the chain events unfold in front of his eyes and was in front of the net, calling for the puck. "Yo yo yo I was right up in 'ere wit mah main men and I said to them 'Yo, pass me tha puck, because I is gonna score,' and they pass me the puck and I done throw it in the back of the nizzle. REALNESS," says the lanky forward, throwing down a few street signs.

George "Furious George" Plourde attempted to challenge the entire Tigers bench a la John Wensink to try to get his team going, but it was too little, too late.

The Dragons forwards found themselves frustrated against the Tigers defense and the goaltending of Derek "Sir Derek" Melendy, who turned away 26 of 28 shots, including a few highway robbery-style saves in the end of the game.

"It's nice to win, and it's nicer to win big," remarked Melendy.

GOAL SCORERS: 55 Brown, 10 Goodreau (2), 78 J. Berk, 26 E. Berk, 15 Dodge, 11 Tang, 21 Di Guardia, 17 Steele, 19 Freed.

ARLINGTON, Mass. - The regular season over, the undefeated Boston Tigers now look to the playoffs, which begin this weekend.

The Red Dragons, as fans will remember, were responsible for the one blemish on the Tigers 19-0-1 record, a game last month which ended in a tie.

"We all remember how that game felt," says superstar goaltender Derek "Pajamas" Melendy, "It was just stifling; we didn't get any bounces but we didn't make any of our own bounces either. I am looking forward to a huge effort from the Tigers."

The Dragons potent offensive attack will keep the Tigers defence busy; Dragons forwards are apt to pelt the net with two, three, sometimes four shots a shift.

"We just need to keep them around the perimeter and outside the danger zone," says defensive shut-down expert Dave "The Bomber" Bonner, "Once they penetrate the slot, they just swarm like insects."

The Tigers will look to players like Bob "All Good" Goodreau, who led the team in goals as well as assists during the regular season. "Goodie's been there when we need him in the attacking zone and on the backcheck," says forward Mark "Freebird" Freed, "He can go both ways." Captain Rick "No More Tiger Balm" Barna (sort of) agrees: "That's what she said."

TIGERS NOTES:

..."Ross Smith Night" was postponed when a shipment of talking Ross Smith Bobblehead dolls were detained at the border.

...Austin "Powers" O'Malley is ripe to have another breakout game, watch for him to score a few in the next few games

...Injured Tigers Ming "Mingo Starr" Tang (upper body injury) and Gregg "Deth Star" Griffin (ragin' bender) skated in the Tigers skate this week and should be ready for next season.

WEST NEWTON, Mass. - The swirling snowy winds outside couldn't keep the players or the fans away from the rink, and a chippy Rolling Thunder team couldn't keep the Boston Tigers away from win #18. Despite only registering 25 shots to the Thunder's 32, the Tigers prevailed 6-1 over their division rivals.

While Mark "Freebird" Freed's goal at 11:56 of the second period proved to be the game winner, the offensive charge was led by Austin "The Big O" O'Malley and E.J. "The Franchise" Brown, who each potted two goals. "I feel great," remarked Brown, "Maybe it's the two goals, or maybe it's this delicious Starbucks Frappuccino© I am drinking. You know I can't get enough of these things? Some guys keep water on the bench. Me? I keep a Starbucks Frappuccino©."

Brown and the Tigers came to life in the second period, peppering the Thunder goalie with 12 shots, four of them resulting in goals. In contrast, the Tigers had seven shots in the first period and six in the third stanza. "It seemed we were running around a bit from time to time," remarks Rick "The Tiger Balmer" Barna from the center of a cloud of Tiger Balm, "At some points it didn't feel like a 6-1 win. But that may just be the Tiger Balm talking."

The Tigers final regular season game is Sunday, March 8 against the Boston Shooters diving team.

WEST NEWTON, Mass. - Another Tigers game, another blinding snowstorm. Despite the fact that the status of tonight's game is unknown (WBZ Storm Center has the Fessenden School closed for the day), both teams are preparing for tonight's game between the Boston Tigers and the Rolling Thunder. All eyes are on this game, as it could be a preview of the upcoming division playoffs.

Word around the HNA is that the Thunder, displeased with the level of blood spilled by their cavalier sense of physical play and lumberjack style stickwork, have called up late addition from the Hoth League for tonight's game.

"I'm ready. I've got my scarf on," says defenseman Dan "Cashmere" Hogan, who is raring and ready to go.

UPDATE: The game is on; the Fessenden rink will be open and operating as usual. Unless you are a member of the Rolling Thunder, in which case the rink is closed indefinitely.

ARLINGTON, Mass. - Near white-out conditions and driving winds outside did not matter inside the confines of the Arlington rink, as the Boston Tigers skated to a 2-2 tie with the Red Dragons.

Last night's Tigers team had a somewhat different look, with the loss of Ross Smith to injury(out for the season with upper body injury) and the absence of Chuck "Ahoy" Dodge and Bob "Avast" Goodreau, both of which had set sail on a fantastically luxurious Barnaville Cruise. Captain Rick "Luxury" Barna, having returned from his training montage played his first game in weeks, only turning a few different colors in the waning moments of the game, which went the full 45 minutes plus a five minute overtime without breaking the 2-2 stalemate.

"We couldn't seem to find our rhythm in this game," says defenceman Dave "The Bomber" Bonner, who led the scoring charge by assisting on both of the Tigers goals, scored by Jeff "Hero" Berk on a rush and E.J. "Chuck Who?" Brown, who scored the most ho-hum goal ever, calmly scooping a puck into the Dragons net with the intensity of a sleeping reindeer.

"I don't think anyone is really satisfied with this one," says captain Barna, "We had a few chances that we didn't bury, Derek saved our bacon a few times and I think I saw the face of Jesus during overtime, but that might have been hallucinations brought on by the Tiger Balm."

WEST NEWTON, Mass. - The Boston Tigers found themselves in an unfamiliar spot at the start of the third period on Sunday night: the business end of a two-goal deficit.

The  16-0 Tigers squad looked like they might taste defeat for the first time this season, surrendering their first power play goal of the season and appearing generally listless on the ice in contrast to the Blast, who were powering their way through the neutral zone and taking over in the Tigers’ defensive zone.

Despite the bleak outlook of the game, the Tigers refocused and doubled their efforts. Suddenly they started winning the battles for pucks. They started winning the races over the line. And the pucks started finding their way over the goal line as the Tigers scored four unanswered goals in the third period for a final score of 5-3.

“Even though things looked bleak, I was confident that we, as heroes, could a way to beat these jerks,” says Jeff “Wolverine” Berk, whose switch from defence to forward in the third period provided the catalyst needed to jump-start the Tigers offence, with forward Bob “No Worries, Ross” Goodreau notching four points for the evening.

Berk figured in both the tying and the game-winning goals, as did surprise skater Ross “L’homme de Fer” Smith, who showed up despite reports that his elbow had fallen clean off his arm. “It’s a good thing he showed up; I was planning on giving an inspirational ‘Win One for the Habs Fan Who Constantly Insults Us’ speech, but then I realized that could backfire,” says forward Chuck “Iron Chuck” Dodge.

Wilmington, Mass.- "It started simply enough, he walked into the locker room and he was wearing all CCM stuff from head to toe," explains Tigers defenseman Mike "The Bridge" Bridgeman, "Then he shotgunned a bottle of Powerade, all the time exclaiming how great it tasted and how energetic he felt. We decided something weird was going on when he started announcing 'This goal brought to you by Exxon!' after each goal. Something has to be done."

Bridgeman is talking about E.J. "Franchise" Brown, who has been cashing in near the net all season. Now, it seems like he's augmenting his income through various and sundry endorsement deals with almost any company that comes knocking. "You got it, buddy," says Brown while stuffing a bevy of Old Spice shower products into his hockey bag, "I love this Old Spice. It's the only product that works as hard as I do."

"This is getting outrageous," says linemate and travel companion Chuck "The Iron Chuck" Dodge, "Last week we had to turn around halfway to the rink because E.J. forgot his Pert Plus. Then the week before, we had to stop at Target for a Meet and Greet," says Dodge, shaking his head.

Brown is just one of the Tigers who will need to step up for an injury-ravaged Tigers squad in tonight's game against the Thunder, as both Rick "The Air Horn" Barna and Ming "Mingo Starr" Tang are scratches in tonight's game against a team that brought the 14-0 Tigers as close to defeat as they have been all season.

"I think everyone - on both teams - is going to remember the lead these guys had over us," says defenseman Steve "Super Steve" Gemmell. "I expect them to come out Blasting. Or at least Thundering."

The puck drops at 10:30 PM (to satisfy E.J. Brown's large alleged fan base on the west coast). Good seats are still available.

West Newton, Mass. - There was a different masked face in the Boston Tigers' goal last night. Ailing superstar goaltender Derek "24 Hour Man" Melendy was stuck on the sidelines with what coaches are calling an "upper respiratory issue," was replaced in net by emergency call-up Krysten "Harriet the Spy" Marche, normally seen skating a forward position with the Piranhas.

While the goaltender was different, the results were not - Marche stopped 10 of 10 shots on her way to a shoot-out victory over a desparate Shooters team.

"Krysten made all the big stops out there," says defenseman Steve "If I Go Crazy Then Will You Still Call Me Super-Steve?" Gemmell, "She held her ground when the Shooters came poking around and she challenged their shooters (no pun intended) well."

The game was fraught with chaos, as an increasingly frustrated Shooters squad vented their issues on anything in a white and gold jersey. Cheap-shots on Tigers' defence and forwards were the norm, with one superhero Shooters forward getting the gate for a hit from behind on E.J. "The Edge" Brown and another giving defenseman Dave "The Bomber" Bonner what appeared to be Jake "The Snake" Roberts' finishing move. "I thought he was going to pin me for the three count and then hit me with a chair next," says a squinting Bonner, who lost his glasses on the play.

The Tigers responded to the Shooters' antics with a balanced attack, with four goals coming from four different players. Ming "Mingo Starr" Tang scored what would be the eventual gamewinning goal, and not a moment too soon as he went down towards the middle of the first perdiod with an undisclosed injury.

""This was our biggest game of the year," says Ed "I Wrestled a Bear (And Liked It)" Berk. "All the guys responded well to the challenge - we won every individual battle simply by deciding to win them. They got chippy, we responded while keeping our composure. Our defence and goaltender gave the forwards the confidence to get up there and score. What a game."

West Newton, Mass. - For the Boston Tigers, 2009 has mostly started the same way 2008 ended. The undefeated team has conquered adversity in a comeback against the Rolling Thunder and conquered terror in an epic battle between good and evil in the form of the Boston Blast.

The results have all been the same - wins for the Tigers. But the road has grown more and more perilous, and tonight is no different as the 13-0-0 Tigers will face off against the C-level Shooters, who remain hungry and dangerous.

"This is not going to be a picnic," says defenseman Jeff "Hero" Berk, "The Shooters have a few wins under their belts and they're probably starting to feel better about themselves. Our job tonight to make them feel like the utter jerks that they are."

Team captain Rick "Iron Ankles" Barna remains sidelined, but not silent. "It's the Shooters, so we can expect more drama than FOX Thursday nights and more diving than the Olympics. We must stay sharp. And get on top early. And keep pounding away. Even if it feels like they're finished. That's what... screw it, BARNA. OUT."

"We can expect more drama than FOX Thursday nights and more diving than the Olympics."

-Rick "Iron Ankles" Barna

Wilmington, Mass. - The Boston Tigers remain unbeaten, posting a 12-0-0 record in their 2008-2009 season. Last week's nailbiter against the Rolling Thunder still fresh in mind, the team will
take the ice this evening against the Boston Blast in what is sure to represent one of the team's most significant challenges of this season.

"We came out flatter than the Kid 'n' Play style high flat-top fade that Stizzle [forward Paul Steele] used to rep in the 80's," says forward E.J. "The Edge" Brown, "Once we made the decision to win every battle and keep our feet moving, we started playing Tigers hockey."

The big story tonight will be the on-ice appearance of defenceman Dave "The Bomber" Bonner and the off-ice appearance of "The Bomb Squad," a group of stalwart Bonner fans.

"They've followed my entire hockey career," muses Bonner. "The first time I stepped onto the ice wearing the fabled red and white of the Boston University Terriers, The Squad was right there with me. In Burlington. Skating against Neil's son."

Wilmington, Mass. - The Boston Tigers, undefeated in the first half of the 2008-2009 season, will start the second half tonight with a bout against arch-rivals the Rolling Thunder. The Tigers opened up a can of scoring last time with a 10-2 beatdown of the Black and Blue Bullies. The major difference tonight will be the absence of Rick "Why Me?!?" Barna, who was felled with an ankle injury during a "charity" event in Saugus.

"We're hoping that the doctors can fit Barna with some of those Forrest Gump-style braces, but I am not sure how likely that is," says defenceman Dan "New Year, New Scarf" Hogan, "We was gonna call them his "magic skates."

The Tigers are 11-0-0 this season, with rookie goaltender Derek "Pajamas" Melendy letting in an average of less than one goal a game, but no one is taking anything for granted, says forward Austin "Powers" O'Malley.

"Our goal is to start fast, go into the corners hard and come out on top every time; and by the power of Jimmee Tang, we're gonna do it."

There is the sudden sound of banging, like that of a composite RBK RB9000 composite crutch hitting a door somewhere, and then a loud voice echoes throughout the room, booming "That's what she said."

Barna may not be on the ice, but his presence remains.

Wilmington, Mass. - The Boston Tigers have thus far conquered their entire division twice over and remain undefeated. The Boston Shooters, last year's D-Level Champions on the other hand, have gone winless upon their graduation to the C-Level.

"This will be the whole thing where the unstoppable object runs into the Force, or whatever it is," said scientist and team captain Rick "Bang Bang We Have Heard On High" Barna. "We know they are fast, we know they like to 'embellish' to get a few calls and we know that we can and have beat them," says hot-handed forward Ming "Mingle Bells" Tang of the Shooters.

"We need to score fast and then stay on top," says forward Austin "All I Want For Christmas Is a Pass From Ross" O'Malley. "Yes, that's what she said," adds Barna.

Good seats are still available.

West Newton, Mass. - The Tigers remained undefeated and have raised both eyebrows and questions with their recent success.

"Well, I'm gonna level with you," says captain Rick "Beauty and the Bang Bang" Barna, "I've been working on some stuff with Prince Charming and Arielle, and these people are like, masters of their craft and they have such fierce costumes."

Whatever Barna's doing, it's working - the forward has been on pace to have a career year and the team is going to need every asset when they take on the second place Red Dragons tonight.

"The Dragons score a lot, that's no secret," says defenseman Dan "Dirty Dan the Garbage Man" Hogan, "But I think we're going to really button down on their Big Line."

Last contest, the Tigers held the fiery Dragons to a mere 3 goals, thanks to the acrobatic work in net of Derek "Big Glove" Melendy. "The D-Man really saved our bacon, ya'll, and we gots to have his back, know what I'm sayin," says Paul "T-Paul" Steele from under his stylish do-rag.

The puck drops tonight at 8:00 PM at the Coffin Sports Arena.

Wilmington, Mass. - Who is going to stop the Tigers? Apparently not the Rolling Thunder, who thoroughly defeated and frustrated by the middle of the second period in Monday night's 10-2 drubbing.

E.J. "The Professor" Brown opened up the scoring early with a marker a scant eight seconds into the first period. Two minutes later Ed "I'm So Much Better Than Jeff" Berk added a goal assisted by Jeff "I'm So Much Better Than Ed" Berk. The game was decided at the 10 minute mark of the first period with a goal by Chuck "7 Wins = 1 Grin" Dodge.

The hits kept coming, with several Tigers having multiple-point nights. No one shined brighter than Steve "If I Go Crazy Will You Still Call Me Supersteve" Gemmell, who posted four points on the board. Even snake-bitten and semi-annoying forward Bob "Donut No More" Goodreau found his scoring touch, netting two goals.

Defenseman Dan "Scarf-Wearing Man" Hogan also had a breakout night with three points and a living human girl in the stands who was surprisingly not reported missing in this morning's local news.

"If we're going to beat up on a team, I prefer it to be these guys," said forward Ming "The Dynasty" Tang, who continued his hot hand with a goal in the second period.

Speaking of beating up, tempers flared in the third period after an alleged head-butting incident featuring one of the Rolling Thunder's thugs. Goaltender Derek "Engine #3" Melendy sprung into action, offering a left cross to the offending forward as Dave "The Bomber" Bonner swept into action, policing the crease. "I was feeling left out," admits the Tigers' star goaltender.

"There will be blood. Or at least some girlish screaming."

-Rick "Bang Bang" Barna

"I thought Ross was going to stay on the ice and chase the Zamboni kid for a few minutes and then just keep skating in the next game."

-Derek "Mr. Emm " Melendy, on the final 4+ minute shift.

“'Close' only counts for horseshoes and handgrenades, although I don't think [Epstein] could score with those either.”

-Jeff "Don't Call Me Jingles" Berk

Newton, Mass. - The Boston Tigers filled up both sides of the score card last night, with seven penalties and six goals from five different goal scorers. The scoring started quick, as Jeff “I am The Man Who Will Fight For Your Honor” Berk opened up the game a mere 40 seconds into the first period, with an unassisted goal. Team captain Rick “Bang Bang” Barna added a goal (his first of two on the evening) on the very next shift at 13:35, assisted by linemates Chuck “Iron Chuck” Dodge and E.J. “#50” Brown.

The team fell into a bit of a funk for the remainder of the second period, giving up quite a bit of ground in the puck possession department, but goaltender Derek “Pajama Man” Melendy put the Blast’s offense to sleep with a few magical stops to keep the lead to 2.
The Blast continued the assault in the top half of the second period, actually getting two cheaper variety goals past the heroic Tigers goaltender. The Tigers soon found their groove, reestablishing their lead with a goal by Steve “If I Go Crazy, Will You Still Call Me SuperSteve” Gemmell and then selfless assist by Ross “Je ne Sais Pas à Faire un Site Internet” Smith on a goal by Ming “Mingo Starr” Tang. The Tigers then unloaded on the Blast with two more goals, one by Barna and one by C.D. “Ross’s Hero”
Di Guardia.

The Blast would actually score one more cheap and meaningless goal on the Tigers, but the score held 6-3 with Tang’s second period marker holding up as the game winner. “I almost wasn’t ready for the pass,” admits Tang, “I mean, look who I skate with.”

TIGER NOTES...

The Tigers are now undefeated in 5 of their 5 games, with a league-crushing 10 points.

Four Tigers had multi-point nights: Barna (2G), Brown (2A) and Di Guardia (1G, 1A).

Goaltender Derek Melendy stopped 29 of 31 shots and got his first penalty of the season.

Defenseman Jeff Berk was assessed a late two minute penalty for what he would later describe as “Heroism.”

The next game is against the Piranhas. Krysten “Harriet the Spy” Marche, was, of course, in attendance. Rumor has it that Piranhas’ alternate captain Jon “Superfan” Cogswell has offered to buy a beer for each Tigers’ goal scorer in the next game. You heard it here first.

“I almost wasn’t ready for the pass. I mean, look who I skate with.”

-Ming "Mingo Starr" Tang

Boston, Mass. - League officials, Barack Obama and John McCain have reached across party lines to name the Tigers Derek "Pajamas" Melendy HNA Player of the Month for October, 2008.

Melendy has backstopped the Tigers to three victories, netting them six points - a total which would have them sitting on the top of the entire Boston league.

Melendy has only allowed 2 goals on 69 shots and has a GAA of 0.666.

"When he first showed up in those pajama pants, we thought he was going to take a nap or something on the bench," says Tigers defenseman Dave "The Bomber" Bonner.

Instead of napping, Melendy has put opposing shooters to sleep, posting a shut-out in his game with the team.

The Tigers next opponent is the Red Dragons tomorrow night.

Wilmington, Mass. - Last night's game had everything a sports fan could ask for. A heroic return. A rogue's gallery of opponents sitting up in the stands. An ejection. And a Tigers win.

The Berk family bolstered the offense, with Ed "I Wrestled a Bear (And Liked It)" Berk scoring a goal in his first game back with the team after a lengthy off-season and Jeff "The Continental" Berk scoring one and assisting Austin O'Malley in a 3-1 win over the dastardly Rolling Thunder.

"It was basically what we expected," says captain Rick "Bang Bang" Barna, "They skated hard at us and swung their sticks like a maniac in a slasher movie."

Even though the Thunder struck first at 12:11 of the second period, the Tigers answered with three unanswered goals to win the game.

Jeff Berk scored what would end up being the game-winner on a rush into the Thunder's zone. "They were helpless," says forward Austin "Ross Who?" O'Malley, "Jeff just got in there and edged out their defenders using some sort of Jedi mind trick or something. I actually cried a little."

GAME NOTES:

...Mark "Num83rs" Freed was victimized on a Too Many Men penalty when the puck just bounced off him in front of the bench.

...New Tigers defenseman Mike "Build a-" Bridgman was given an early gate for an equipment-related infraction (that's what she said.)

...C.D. "No Larry Bird" Di Guardia provided some excitement by sending Dave "I Am Thirsty" Bonner's tasty beverage onto the ice with an errant hook shot.

...Krysten "Harriet the Spy" Marche was back in the stands with her clipboard full of secrets. With her came Piranhas Jon "Fanclub" Cogswell, Ian "Cap'n Dangle" Epstein and Greg "Guinness" Marche.

"I actually cried a little ."

-Austin "Ross Who?" O'Malley, on the sheer beauty of Jeff Berk's winning goal

Arlington, Mass. - The Tigers learned what it's like to skate short-staffed and ended up scoring the winning goal while short-handed.

"Well, we were wondering what it'd be like to have nine guys on the bench, and we figured it out I suppose," said Steve "I Just Work Here Now" Gemmell, one of three Tigers' defensemen and goal-scorer.

A raucous and mostly unwashed-looking crowd jeered the visiting Tigers. "I didn't like playing in front of them down that end," admits Derek "Pajamas" Melendy, "They were pretty loud, and their smell was downright overpowering."

The Tigers went up 1-0 on a nifty marker from Gemmell, but it was again Chris "Assistant to the Regional Captain" Di Guardia with the game-winner, a short-handed breakway won off a Piranhas' miscue.

"I was just doing what I saw PJ Axelsson do on TV," says the not-very-Swedish forward.

This ended up being the gamewinner as Kevin "Bluetooth" Becker scored a goal late in the third period, but it was too little, too late for the Piranhas.

"Their smell was downright overpowering."

-Derek "Pajamas" Melendy

Wilmington, Mass. - "Our official stance is that we don't negotiate with terrorists. Or Rangers fans," says team captain Rick "Bang" Barna in an official statement. The statement follows the receipt of a crudely produced terror video, apparently sent from the Boston Piranhas.

The video itself is chilling. Ian "Captain Dangle" Epstein appears in a small, misshapen room, wearing only a too-small uniform, aviator sunglasses and a sneer. Epstein makes several caustic comments in the video, speaking out against "That bastard Berk," and "Captain Barnface," his apparent name for team captain Rick Barna.

"We're gonna like, eat you. 'Cause that's what piranhas do. They EAT STUFF! Real QUICK! And it's gonna HURT! Because we have tiny sharp teeth!" states Epstein in the shaky video.

"We're not really worried. I mean look at him, he's ridiculous!" said Berk when asked if he was worried about being targeted in the video.

Berk watched the video one more time and whistled.

"Seriously, dude. Seriously."

Wilmington, Mass. - Goaltender Derek "The Donut Man" Melendy doesn't even have a Tigers sweater yet, but found himself facing down the fearsome Boston Blast in his league debut.

Melendy responded with a perfect effort, turning away 31 of 31 shots for his first shut-out as a Tiger. The new goaltender put on a clinic last night, and his new teammates remain quite impressed.

"Derek was solid for us tonight in net; every time one of those guys came at him, he just shut the door," said new defenseman Jeff "I'm So Past the Blast" Berk after the game.

The game was scoreless until the third period, when forward Chris "Assistant to the Regional Captain" Di Guardia tallied his first of the year, following up a rush by Ross "L'homme Qui Donne" Smith. Right winger E.J. "The Sniper" Brown notched an insurance goal at 10:45 and new captain Rick "BaRick OBarna" Barna put the proverbial nail in the coffin with a goal with 1:27 remaining on the clock.

"I'm real happy with the way everyone played tonight," said defenseman Dan "The Garbageman" Hogan, "A shut-out is like a hat trick to me. Ironically, a hat trick is like a shut-out to me. So, like, there you are."

OF NOTE:

...Boston Piranhas defensewoman Krysten "Harriet the Spy" Marche was spotted amidst the crowd of 2.

...Ross "L'homme Qui Donne" Smith scored the first quality zinger of the season with a remark aimed at Mark "Whiteface" Freed

...Di Guardia has now scored the first goal of the season for three consecutive seasons. He hopes to maybe get another one before the season ends.

"A shut-out is like a hat trick to me. Ironically, a hat trick is like a shut-out to me."

-Dan "The Garbageman" Hogan

Wilmington, Mass. - The Tigers 2008-2009 season officially begins tonight with the team's home opener against the oafish Boston Blast, with two new Tigers making their debut.

Goaltender Derek "I Survived Charlestown" Melendy will man the Tigers' net tonight. Melendy made a strong showing in this summer's Saugus Hockey Invitational Tournament, seemingly only letting in one goal per month.

The other new Tiger will line up opposite his former team. Jeff "My Dad Can Beat Your Dad in a Footrace" Berk is one of the Tigers' key acquisitions in the off-season, traded from the Blast in a blockbuster deal that involved the Tigers sending a roll of toilet paper autographed by the entire team to an unsuspecting Blast, who didn't even know a deal was in the works.

"We're going to come out hard," says C.D. "Assistant to the Regional Captain" Di Guardia, who then added, "That's what she said."

TIGERS TO WATCH:

Rick "BaRick OBarna" Barna - The new captain will look to energize his team with a career performance.

Jeff "Recovered Blastard" Berk - Berk faces off against his former team and possibly destroys them.

"We're going to come out hard.
That's what she said."

-C.D. "Assistant to the Regional Captain" Di Guardia