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King: (putting on his crown again) It's all very well. I always
like to look on the humorous side of things; but I do not
think I ought to be required to write libels on my own moral
character. Naturally, I see the joke of it--anybody
would--but Zara's coming home today; she's no longer a
child, and I confess I should not like her to see my
Opera--though it's uncommonly well written; and I should be
sorry if the Palace Peeper got into her hands--though it's
certainly smart--very smart indeed. It is almost a pity
that I have to buy up the whole edition, because it's really
too good to be lost. And Lady Sophy--that blameless type of
perfect womanhood! Great Heavens, what would she say if the
Second Housemaid business happened to meet her pure blue
eye! (Enter Lady Sophy)
Lady S.: My monarch is soliloquizing. I will withdraw. (going)
King: No--pray don't go. Now I'll give you fifty chances, and you
won't guess whom I was thinking of.
Lady S.: Alas, sir, I know too well. Ah! King, it's an old, old
story, and I'm wellnigh weary of it! Be warned in
time--from my heart I pity you, but I am not for you!
(going)
King: But hear what I have to say.
Lady S.: It is useless. Listen. In the course of a long and adven-
turous career in the principal European Courts, it has been
revealed to me that I unconsciously exercise a weird and
supernatural fascination over all Crowned Heads. So irre-
sistible is this singular property, that there is not a
European Monarch who has not implored me, with tears in his
eyes, to quit his kingdom, and take my fatal charms else-
where. As time was getting on it occurred to me that by
descending several pegs in the scale of Respectability I
might qualify your Majesty for my hand. Actuated by this
humane motive and happening to possess Respectability enough
for Six, I consented to confer Respectability enough for
Four upon your two younger daughters--but although I have,
alas, only Respectability enough for Two left, there is
still, as I gather from the public press of this country
(producing the Palace Peeper), a considerable balance in my
favor.
King: (aside) Damn! (aloud) May I ask how you came by this?
Lady S.: It was handed to me by the officer who holds the position of
Public Exploder to your Imperial Majesty.
King: And surely, Lady Sophy, surely you are not so unjust as to
place any faith in the irresponsible gabble of the Society
press!
Lady S.: (referring to paper) I read on the authority of Senex
Senior that your Majesty was seen dancing with your Second
Housemaid on the Oriental Platform of the Tivoli Gardens.
That is untrue?
King: Absolutely. Our Second Housemaid has only one leg.
Lady S.: (suspiciously) How do you know that?
King: Common report. I give you my honor.
Lady S.: It may be so. I further read--and the statement is vouched
for by no less an authority that Mephistopheles Minor--that
your Majesty indulges in a bath of hot rum-punch every
morning. I trust I do not lay myself open to the charge of
displaying an indelicate curiosity as to the mysteries of
the royal dressing-room when I ask if there is any founda-
tion for this statement?
King: None whatever. When our medical adviser exhibits rum-punch
it is as a draught, not as a fomentation. As to our bath,
our valet plays the garden hose upon us every morning.
Lady S.: (shocked) Oh, pray--pray spare me these unseemly details.
Well, you are a Despot--have you taken steps to slay this
scribbler?
King: Well, no--I have not gone so far as that. After all, it's
the poor devil's living, you know.
Lady S.: It is the poor devil's living that surprises me. If this
man lies, there is no recognized punishment that is suffi-
ciently terrible for him.
King: That's precisely it. I--I am waiting until a punishment is
discovered that will exactly meet the enormity of the case.
I am in constant communication with the Mikado of Japan, who
is a leading authority on such points; and, moreover, I have
the ground plans and sectional elevations of several capital
punishments in my desk at this moment. Oh, Lady Sophy, as
you are powerful, be merciful!
DUET -- King and Lady Sophy.
King: Subjected to your heavenly gaze
(Poetical phrase),
My brain is turned completely.
Observe me now
No monarch I vow,
Was ever so afflicted!
Lady S: I'm pleased with that poetical phrase,
"A heavenly gaze,"
But though you put it neatly,
Say what you will,
These paragraphs still
Remain uncontradicted.
Come, crush me this contemptible worm
(A forcible term),
If he's assailed you wrongly.
The rage display,
Which, as you say,
Has moved your Majesty lately.
King: Though I admit that forcible term
"Contemptible worm,"
Appeals to me most strongly,
To treat this pest
As you suggest
Would pain my Majesty greatly.
Lady S: This writer lies!
King: Yes, bother his eyes!
Lady S: He lives, you say?
King: In a sort of way.
Lady S: Then have him shot.
King: Decidedly not.
Lady S: Or crush him flat.
King: I cannot do that.
Both: O royal Rex,
My/her blameless sex
Abhors such conduct shady.
You/I plead in vain,
I/you will never gain
Respectable English lady!
(Dance of repudiation by Lady Sophy. Exit followed by King.)
March. Enter all the Court, heralding the arrival of the Princess Zara,
who enters, escorted by Captain Fitzbattleaxe and four Troopers, all
in the full uniform of the First Life Guards.
CHORUS.
Oh, maiden, rich
In Girton lore
That wisdom which,
We prized before,
We do confess
Is nothingness,
And rather less,
Perhaps, than more.
On each of us
Thy learning shed.
On calculus
May we be fed.
And teach us, please,
To speak with ease,
All languages,
Alive and dead!
SOLO--Princess and Chorus
Zara: Five years have flown since I took wing--
Time flies, and his footstep ne'er retards--
I'm the eldest daughter of your King.
Troop: And we are her escort--First Life Guards!
On the royal yacht,
When the waves were white,
In a helmet hot
And a tunic tight,
And our great big boots,
We defied the storm;
For we're not recruits,
And his uniform
A well drilled trooper ne'er discards--
And we are her escort--First Life Guards!
Zara: These gentlemen I present to you,
The pride and boast of their barrack-yards;
They've taken, O! such care of me!
Troop: For we are her escort--First Life Guards!
When the tempest rose,
And the ship went so--
Do you suppose
We were ill? No, no!
Though a qualmish lot
In a tunic tight,
And a helmet hot,
And a breastplate bright
(Which a well-drilled trooper ne'er discards),
We stood as her escort--First Life Guards!
CHORUS
Knightsbridge nursemaids--serving fairies--
Stars of proud Belgravian airies;
At stern duty's call you leave them,
Though you know how that must grieve them!
Zara: Tantantarara-rara-rara!
Fitz: Trumpet-call of Princess Zara!
Cho: That's trump-call, and they're all trump cards--
They are her escort--First Life Guards!
ENSEMBLE
Chorus Princess Zara and Fitzbattleaxe
Ladies Oh! the hours are gold,
And the joys untold,
Knightsbridge nursemaids, etc. When my eyes behold
My beloved Princess;
Men And the years will seem
When the tempest rose, etc. But a brief day-dream,
In the joy extreme
Of our happiness!
Full Chorus: Knightsbridge nursemaids, serving fairies, etc.
(Enter King, Princess Nekaya and Kalyba, and Lady Sophy. As the King enters,
the escort present arms.)