2.
SPAM: Shit Pork All Mashed.
Is there anything more gross?
Vienna Sausage.
3.
Ate three cans of SPAM,
But there's still room for Jell-O.
I love this country.
4.
Opening old can:
Insert tab in key and turn.
If strip breaks, you're screwed.
5.
Slabs of naked SPAM
Beckon from the lunch counter.
"I'll have the fish sticks."
6.
World runs out of food
Except SPAM and dead people.
Soylent Green stocks rise.
7.
Hormel buys Seuss' rights.
Revised children's book hits stores:
"Eat Green Eggs and SPAM."
8.
"SPAM" is "maps" backwards.
Deep thinking for deep people.
Pass the bong, pig-breath.
9.
Bill Clinton on SPAM:
"Congress must cut excess pork
So I'll eat that slice!"
10.
Mystery meat lunch:
Smooth, pink cubes oozing jelly.
It's gotta be SPAM.
11.
Bill Clinton again:
"Breaded, deep fried, with gravy.
Mmm--country fried SPAM!"
12.
SPAM as a sex toy:
Soft, safe, self-lubricated.
Afterwards: warm lunch.
13.
Wayne's new snide retort:
"And SPAM flies out from my butt!"
But that is how SPAM...
14.
Millions starve in Chad.
U.S. sends massive SPAM aid.
Millions starve in Chad.
15.
"SPAM" in French is "Spamme."
Like Spamme frites and Spamme l'orange.
The French are so cool.
16.
Pink food dye in can
With water, salt, chemicals:
It's a kosher SPAM.
17.
Do SPAMs reproduce?
Not unless you wash off the
Spamicidal gel.
18.
SPAM is big in Greece.
With filo dough, feta, for
Spamakopita.
19.
Italy loves SPAM.
They make a drink with it called
"Asti Spamati."
20.
Scrapple is jealous.
Scrapple is the poor man's SPAM.
SPAM is "middle class."
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21.
A SPAM loaf quivers.
Salivary glands juice up.
Anticipation.
The gullet rises.
Salivary glands juice up.
"You ate the whole loaf!?"
Post-SPAM catharsis:
Peptic acid and pink chunks.
Floor-mount Pollock piece.
24.
When Mom turns around
You slip the slice to Fido.
Escape to dessert.
The tricorder hums.
Captain Kirk asks, "What is it?"
Bones says, "It's dead, Jim."
Spock takes a small piece.
It's elastic, rubbery.
It is vulcanized.
Psychologists think
Sartre wrote Nausea because
His mom fed him SPAM.
SPAM recipe 1:
Skewer chunk with marshmallow
And roast over fire.
SPAM recipe 2:
Purée, cook with milk and flour.
It's Cream of SPAM soup.
Hors d'oeuvre with great flair:
SPAM, Vienna Sausage, Chex.
Blend well with Cheez Whiz.
SPAM subs for turkey
In that school lunch favorite:
SPAM tetrazzini.
Bio techs love SPAM.
The jelly is optimal
For microbe cultures.
We joke about SPAM.
But secretly we think that
It tastes pretty good.
Homeless man shopping.
There's a three-for-one SPAM sale.
He buys three Alpos.
Next-door barbecue.
Smell of T-bones waft over.
Eat SPAM with closed eyes.
Night kitchen cupboard.
Roach scuttles around SPAM can.
Cutting steak in dream.
A full SPAM can thrown
Is a lethal weapon. But
So is SPAM goulash.
Can-opening sound.
Dog bounds over, drool, beg, whine.
Yikes, it's SPAM! Dog leaves.
SPAM: Stripped Pig All Mixed.
Is there anything more gross?
New product: SPAM LITE.
Blindfold smelling test.
Can anyone pick out SPAM
From all the dog food?
Winter trailer home:
Bills unpaid--no heat inside.
Raw SPAM for dinner.
How to feed twelve mouths:
SPAM and Hamburger Helper
Spread thin on white bread.
Housing project dump:
Rats rattling the empty cans,
Stench of rotting pigs.
The ceiling fan turns.
The loaf sweats ominously.
Time is running out.
Gregor Spamsa woke.
In horror he sees that he's
Now a pink pork cube.
Is SPAM Kafkaesque
Or was Franz Kafka Spamesque?
That is the question.
If you cut open
A SPAM can with a jigsaw
The blade will smell weird.
Sing the hobo's blues:
SPAM for breakfast, SPAM for lunch,
SPAM for dinner, too.
SPAM = SPiced hAM.
But it's neither spiced nor ham
And it sounds unreal.
Pat Benatar fell.
The stage was too slippery
From her spamdex suit.
SPAM is good for you.
Only the best pork parts used.
(Yeah, that's the ticket...)
SPAM deconstructed:
cultural abattoir, im-
perialist gaze.
The wolf huffed and puffed
And blew the piggies' house down.
Wolf grins--home-made SPAM!
New food ethics law:
SPAM cannot include meat from
Aborted pig parts.
SPAM--it's just the name.
It would not be an icon
If it were called "Phil."
June Cleaver, flummoxed,
Burns the SPAM roast. Wally says,
"Leave it to Beaver."
Homer Simpson drools.
"Mmm--donut." Takes a bite, then
"DOH!!" It's filled with SPAM.
Veteran cop weeps.
"Worst child abuse case I've seen.
Fed SPAM twelve weeks straight."
Government campaign
Against substance abuses:
"Just say NO to SPAM."
Through the looking glass
SPAM maps, isomorph, puzzled.
It glows a strange blue.
Mmm--pizza with ham!
Yum--all done. Friends laugh. 'Twas SPAM!
Projectile vomit.
A bulimic binge:
Bread, cheese, spam, chips, Spam, SPAM, SPAM--
Gravity's rainbow.
A half-eaten slice.
Ants swarm the cold, greasy plate.
A suicide note.
Crumb sticks to grease track.
He licks it off--nothing beats
SPAM on buttered toast.
Jack wants to father.
But why eat so much SPAM, Jack?
"My spam count is low."
SPAM dialectic:
The anti-SPAM is tasty,
Healthy, and kosher.
SPAM slice in toaster.
Switch on, tie down ejector.
Pink, smoky blow torch.
SPAM in microwave.
Set timer: 30 minutes.
Is your house insured?
Federal building.
Parked in front--truckload of SPAM.
Pandemonium.
With a quick finger
She poked the SPAM heart right out
Of the musubi.
Peace Corps, Africa,
July 4th celebration:
Baked SPAM with plantains.
Freetown restaurant:
Imitation Third-World SPAM--
What "ham" really means.
A half-empty can
Floats down the Ganges River:
Food for the dead souls.
In Namib Desert
A dilemma: Landjäger,
Gnu jerky, or SPAM?
In Bali a slice
Left curbside to please spirits
Brings bad luck instead.
Deadbeat father sends
SPAM as child-support payment.
Twenty years in jail.
SPAM plus TANG makes SPANG.
Nutritious breakfast drink of
Midwest astronauts.
A prostitute leans
From a rust-stained balcony
Spooning from a can.
The empty cupboard
Echoes with destitution,
The last can consumed.
Beggar, can in hand,
Seeks passers-by's sympathy:
"My last meal was SPAM."
A SPAM slice frying
In the southern hemisphere
Turns counterclockwise.
Our budget is slashed.
Cafeteria now serves
Just arroz con SPAM.
Tropical SPAM night.
Suckling loaf roasting on spit,
Fake palm trees askew.
Screamin' Jay Hawkins's
Scatological blues caused
By one childhood bite.
How many degrees
Can one tilt an ungreased pan
Before a loaf slips?
Unwed teen mom spoon-
feeds self, infant from can: "One
for you, two for me."
What's really in SPAM?
Biologists say it's a
Can of nematodes.
You cut your finger
Slicing a loaf. Blood blossomed
On the snow-white board.
I kissed you at lunch,
Your lips still shiny from the
Hot, freshly fried slice.
I sent her ninety
SPAM haiku to show my love.
She sent me a shrink.
Vegan terrorists
Storm headquarters of Hormel.
A hogstage crisis.
Use a slice to clean
(and grease, too!) your mixing bowl.
It's a spamtula.
New Metheny disc:
As Spreads SPAM So Spreads SPAM Spread.
Downbeat gives five hurls.
Gerry bloops the low
Note on bari. Too much SPAM
In Mulligan's stew.
Mingus's elegy
For friend who loved to wear SPAM:
"Good Bye SPAM-pie Hat."
Maynard Ferguson
Blows too hard, explodes his lips.
SPAM-lips save the day.
Dizzy's mom beat him
When he threw up the SPAM. Hence
The trademark puffed cheeks.
Cole Porter's will left
Hormel big bucks. Why? "I get
a kick out of SPAM."
Miles, while battling SPAM
addiction, cuts the landmark
disc, Sketches of Pain.
SPAM is to luncheon
meats, as Lalo Schifrin is
to jazz musicians.
Go on to The SHAM's SPAM Haiku (101-200).
Return to the Spam Haiku Archive page.
Copyright 1995, John
Nagamichi Cho