102.
You carved my figure
From the block of SPAM. Love or
Infatuation?
103.
The first time we kissed:
Your cheeks flushed a deep SPAM pink,
Your lips soft, hungry.
104.
I buried the ring
Inside a loaf. You took a
Bite, spat, then said, "Yes!"
105.
Wedding catered by
Hormel. Reception marred by
Sudden illnesses.
106.
Honeymoon in France.
Finally got to try the
Spamme frites, Spamme l'orange.
107.
Four children later
We run out of things to say.
"Price of SPAM is up."
108.
"Breakfast in bed, love."
"What is it, dear?" "Refried SPAM."
You filed for divorce.
109.
The first nights were bad.
Woke up from a SPAM nightmare--
But you were not there.
110.
I live alone now.
I keep a cat for comfort.
She does not eat SPAM.
111.
Supermarket aisle.
I saw her reach for a SPAM.
I turned, walked away.
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112.
Cigarettes, liquor--
"Sin" tax for things bad for you.
Why not a SPAM tax?
113.
Hurricane Luís.
Blackout--no power to cook.
SHAM tempted by SPAM.
114.
CNN: Canned News
Network. Spamming the globe with
Processed, packaged news.
115.
Woody Allen in
Sleeper finds SPAM in future
Considered health food.
116.
SPAM and the Art of
Motorcycle Maintenance
By Robert Pigsrig.
117.
Post-culinarism's
touchstone text: Derrida's On
Spammatology.
118.
Knut Hamsun shuns SPAM,
Writes Hunger, wins Nobel Prize.
Moral: Don't eat SPAM.
119.
"Formal systems can't
prove all--like what's in SPAM." From
Gödel, Escher, SPAM.
120.
"For highest congress
Push whole loaf in yoni." From
The Spama Sutra.
121.
Burroughs plays William
Tell with SPAM loaf, kills wife, in
Naked Luncheon Meat.
122.
Rushdie gets fatwa
for writing that Mohamed
enjoyed eating SPAM.
123.
In the innermost
circle of hell, Dante finds
Jay Hormel alone.
124.
Cole Porter, too, was
confounded by it. Asked, "What
is this thing called SPAM?"
125.
Beatlemania
Hits Hormel. Factory kids
Sing "Polythene SPAM."
126.
Trivia question:
Who played Mindy in Pork and
Mindy? Spam Dawber.
127.
Supermarket aisle.
Mom pushes cart toward SPAM shelf.
Child bursts into tears.
128.
At checkout counter
Cashier rejects food stamps.
Says, "SPAM is not food."
129.
Vienna Sausage
Was a product of the times--
SPAM de siècle.
130.
A Spamburger is
A resident of Spamburg.
Can you say "Schpahmboorg"?
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132.
133.
134.
135.
136.
137.
138.
139.
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142.
143.
144.
145.
146.
147.
148.
149.
150.
151.
152.
153.
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155.
156.
157.
158.
159.
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161.
162.
163.
164.
165.
166.
167.
168.
169.
170.
171.
172.
173.
174.
175.
176.
177.
178.
179.
180.
181.
182.
183.
184.
185.
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187.
188.
189.
190.
191.
192.
193.
194.
195.
196.
197.
198.
199.
200.
131.
New discovery:
SPAM waves. Thought to propagate
In gel-like ether.
SPAM-wave detector:
Immerse man in gel. If he
Gains weight, SPAM wave's there.
Can information
Be sent by using SPAM waves?
No. Just calories.
SPAM wave as weapon
Used during Cold War. Doubtful?
Yeltsin's size. Case closed.
Remote sensing with
SPAM waves needs work. Too much pork
In the ground clutter.
Communist China
Uses SPAM waves for jamming.
All you get's pink noise.
Relativity
Predicts SPAM waves will bend near
Massive trailer parks.
Astronomy news:
SPAM waves from distant stars are
Always pink-shifted.
As an object gets
Near the speed of SPAM waves, its
Fat content goes up.
140.
SPAM: Steam-Pressed Ape Meat.
Is there anything more gross?
New, handy SPAM Spread.
141.
Twenty loaded shelves.
The only moving thing was
The eye of the SPAM.
I was of three minds,
Like a SPAM in which there are
Three major organs.
A SPAM swirled in the
Frying pan. 'Twas a small part
Of the pantomime.
A boy and a girl
Are one. A boy and a girl
And a SPAM are one.
Which do I prefer?
The beauty of ingestion
Or what comes after?
Kitchen windowsill.
Lit by passing headlights, SPAM
Casts a long shadow.
Thin men of Haddam,
Don't you see the SPAM rising
In your women's pans?
I know what's good food;
But I also know that the
SPAM knows that I know.
When the SPAM was fried,
Its grease marked the edge of one
Of many circles.
At the smell of SPAM,
Even bawds of euphony
Would cry out sharply.
Once, a fear pierced him,
In that he mistook his wife
For a loaf of SPAM.
Smoke issues from the
Kitchen. Dogs retch in gutters.
SPAM must be cooking.
The aisles were empty.
They would always be empty.
SPAM sat on the shelf.
154.
Childhood railroad game:
Place unopened can on rail.
"POP" goes the pork parts.
Childhood classroom game:
Poke straw through loaf, aim, and blow.
Pork missiles scream by.
Parenting is hell.
Opened kid's diaper to find
A big pile of SPAM.
Backpacker's nightmare:
The food packs are mislabeled--
They're all freeze-dried SPAM!
Essence of SPAM is
Captured in brand new fragrance
Called Eau de Colon.
The red wheelbarrow
Burdened with solemn portent
Wishes it were SPAM.
160.
A is for Adolf
Who sold it as kosher meat
And was stoned to death.
B is for Beavis
Who slipped while slicing a loaf
And chopped off his hand.
C is for Chevy
Who slid on a greasy slice
And tumbled downstairs.
D is for Debbie
Who played weird sex games with it
And caught P.I.V.
E is for Ernest
Who made a wine from aged chunks
And poisoned himself.
F is for Fidel
Who left small bits in his beard
And ants ate his face.
G is for Georgie
Who used the gel as sun screen
And burned to a crisp.
H is for Herbert
Who pledged a loaf in each pan
And died a loser.
I is for Itchy
Who ate Scratchy's loaded loaf
And blew into bits.
J is for Jeffrey
Who tried to make it with boys
And was offed in jail.
K is for Kermit
Who heard pig squeals from the can
And lost his good mind.
L is for Linda
Who swallowed whole from a can
And choked on the loaf.
M is for Mary
Who passed out cans to the poor
And was beat senseless.
N is for Norman
Who kept his mom fleshed with it
And became psycho.
O is for Orson
Who ate it for lunch daily
And blimped out and croaked.
P is for Peter
Who denied eating it thrice
And cocks gouged his eyes.
Q is for Quentin
Who served it to his film crew
And got his ears lopped.
R is for Reggie
Who got beaned by a full can
And dropped like a fly.
S is for the SHAM
Who wrote haiku about it
And was declared mad.
T is for Tommy
Who smoked pieces in a bong
And larded his lungs.
U is for Uri
Who showed off his bent-spoon trick
And was shelled by cans.
V is for Violet
Who ate twenty-seven loaves
And burst like a zit.
W's for Wayne
Who strained hard to excrete it
And monkeys flew out.
X is for Xerxes
Who built a fortress with it
And drowned in roaches.
Y is for Yasser
Who let Hormel build a plant
And the Jews shot him.
Z is for Zsa Zsa
Who slapped a cop with a slice
And got life in jail.
186.
Experts disagree.
On SPAM ingredients? No.
Defining haiku.
Is this true haiku?
Or is it more like senryu?
Do you give a SPAM?
SPAM is a haiku:
It's organic, compressed, and
Painful to extrude.
Haiku purists and
Hormel both lack the same thing:
A sense of humor.
The SPAM Down Under.
Pop open the can and watch--
It falls to the sky.
Pork-spangled top hat;
Gel drips from thrust-out finger.
Uncle Spam wants you!
Sam and Pam get laid.
Oops--no spamicidal gel.
Guess the baby's name.
Stray hog squashed by truck.
"Picasso pig," thinks one man.
The next guy, "Road SPAM."
Hormel buys Kellogg.
New product appears in stores:
SPAM-flavor Pop Tarts.
Take a scoop of SPAM,
Liquify with tomatoes.
It's Spamato juice.
Ross Perot, struggling
To get SPAM out of can, coins
The "sucking sound" phrase.
A birthday SPAM cake.
Insert wicks in loaf and light--
No need for candles!
Civilization's
Discontent--ground, chopped, cooked, canned.
Eat this, you mo-fo!
God sends spamanna
To feed His people. The Jews
Give God the finger.
A billion SPAM loaves
Raining down from the heavens.
A pink dénouement.
Go backwards to The SHAM's SPAM Haiku (1-100).
Go on to The SHAM's SPAM Haiku (201-300).
Return to the Spam Haiku Archive page.
Copyright 1995, John
Nagamichi Cho
SPAM is a registered trademark of Hormel Foods Corporation for luncheon meat. SPAMBURGER is a registered trademark of Hormel Foods Corporation. The Haiku Archive Master and the contributors to this website have no legal, commercial or financial involvemnet with Hormel Foods. Neither the information presented here, nor the manner in which it has been presented, has been sanctioned by Hormel Foods.