There once was a fat Saint Bernard
Whose tastes tended toward the bizarre.
Though the can was quite tasty,
The contents were nasty.
(He buried the SPAM in the yard.)
There once lived a pig called Ham
Who worked for the company SPAM
'Til one day they ran empty
Of pork guts once plenty
Ten cans of Ham could they cram!
SPAM's made of horse, fish, and cow.
It isn't quite appetizing now.
I'll eat 'til I hurl
All over the girl
Who handed us yummy SPAM chow.
No time for the salmon in wine sauce.
Five minutes 'til dinner with my boss.
I'll serve SPAM turnovers,
And still have leftovers,
For when I must deal with my job loss.
A gastronome at "Chez Nantucket"
Overhearing the cook say "Just chuck it"
Cried, "Feed it to me
Ignore the FDA decree"
You'll never guess where they stuck it!
There once was a young man with elan
But who got in a terrible jam
It went without fail
They sent him to jail
And now he eats SPAM in the can!
There once was a SPAM from HORMEL,
packed up, forever in GEL.
Safe for all time
I made it a shrine,
now I'm not going to HELL!
An elegant old lady from Ealing
Abhorred the continuous squealing
Of frenzied young SPAMs
Consorting in prams.
A scene, though obscene, quite appealing.
A hell-raising hitman, Hussein,
Swore loudly with rancor and pain.
He had loaded a missile
With SPAM that was fissile
And blown up the whole works again.
An eccentric old seaman named Bligh
Once sailed the high seas in a sty.
He ate pork in large pails
But fed SPAM to the whales,
A deed both demeaning and sly.
An old SPAM once said to my mum,
"Don't eat me with whisky or rum.
Just a tumbler of gin
Lends a nice sense of sin
While preventing corrosion and scum."
"Now all of you run and take care.
A mad SPAM is lurking out there.
You can tell by the smell
That wafts up from Hell
And the way that it curls your nose-hair."
A Siamese kitten called Choy
Was given some SPAM to enjoy.
She thought it quite nice
When minced up with mice,
Egg noodles, dried fish head, and soy.
An elitist from old Guadaloupe
Used to eat with the Bloomsbury Group.
She had SPAM fricasee
While H. Beerbohm Tree
Dunked Virginia Wolfe in the soup.
A glutinous old glutton from Pinner
Continually failed to get slimmer.
For breakfast he ate SPAM
And SPAMalade jam.
Also SPAM for both lunch and his dinner.
I've eaten dried cat's brains with lamb,
Even roaches with strawberry jam;
But nothing can beat
That Dr. Seuss treat,
A big plate of Green Eggs and Spam!!!!
There was a president named Bill
Who let the economy spill
Now the nation's in trouble
SPAM prices have doubled
He should be tossed from Capitol Hill
I know this guy who's a chump
He eats SPAM while taking a dump
He let a big fart, blew his whole ass apart,
And now he's just guts and SPAM lump!
There once was a man named Fred
Who shoved SPAM up his nose 'til it bled.
Every night he would pose, with SPAM loaf in his nose,
Until one day he SPAMmed himself dead.
When I was born with no colon,
I had to poke my own hole-in.
And when I eat SPAM, my shit smells like ham.
And now I have something to roll in!
There once was a girl named Dot,
Who liked to eat horse shit and snot.
She found a man, and he fucked her with SPAM,
'Til it greased up the sides of her twat!
SPAM is made by Hormel,
eating it is like living in Hell,
SPAM is always too tough,
as intoxicating as snuff,
but it's never too hard to sell!
There once was a whore in the crowd
Who ate her SPAM much too loud
Wee Ned gave her a straw
And they watched some "HEE-HAW"
And they made Milton proud
I once ate a can full of SPAM
The smell was so bad, I could only say "DAMN"
I felt fat and sassy
I got very gassy
My colon just went "KA-BLAM!!"
Mom once served us SPAM from Hormel
A sad lonely tale I tell
We ate it in bits,
It gave us the shits,
And made us feel not at all well.
The writings of SPAM on this page
Has sent me in some porcine rage
The folks at Hormel
Condemn me to hell
For using some basil or sage
While Monkey Spanking Boy goes to classes,
His courses he easily passes,
The SPAM is so kind
One day he'll go blind
Or maybe he'll only need glasses
There once was a crazed Monkey Spanker
With SPAM all over his wanker
Masturbating with swine
Made him feel so sublime
He has become quite the yanker
The Boy and the Monkey he Spanks
To him "Master" is the highest of ranks
With SPAM as his lover
His neighbors take cover
To Hormel he gives eternal thanks
Again there is Monkey Spanking Boy
Using SPAM as his sexual toy
"It works really well,
Once you get past the smell.
It's a sport that you'll really enjoy."
See the Boy Spanking his Monkey
Using SPAM jelly because it's so chunky
He gives us a lesson
In by-product obsession
And explains why his room smells oh so funky!
There once was this guy from Hormel,
Who ate so much SPAM that he fell.
They picked up his body,
Ran straight to the potty
And flushed his ass straight down to Hell.
There once was a girl with a lamb,
A lamb whom of which she named Sam.
Sam always ate Spam,
Until hit by a ram,
And then went up Sam with a Bam!
An over-inquisitive toucan
By a fluke, took a look at a book an'
What she saw made her shiver
And shrivelled her liver:
It was pink and encased in a blue can...
A dissolute cook from Tacoma
Dreamt of dishes while deep in a coma.
There was SPAM spiced with fleas
Mixed with centipedes' knees
To achieve an attractive aroma.
There once was a man from Japan
Whose SPAMericks never would scan.
When asked why this was,
He said, "It's because
I always try to get as many references to SPAM, SPAM Lite and other related
Hormel products into the last line as I possibly can."
A literary magpie named John
Collected SPAM verse by the ton.
He faced litigation
At Hormel's instigation;
I'd be quite upset if they won!
The car dealers living on Guam
Came up with a really dumb scam:
For each car they sell
They throw in as well--
Believe me--a full case of SPAM!
The tied and bound can didn't balk
As the bloodthirsty Nazi named Vork,
With a lamp glaring bright,
Told the 12 ounce SPAM Lite,
"Ve haf vays of making you pork!"
Said the torturous Nazi, "Reveal
Vot I esk or be stretched on zis veel!"
But the SPAM Lite was tough
And it called the Kraut's bluff:
"Though I'm made from pig parts, I won't squeal!"
Said Hyphenated Kid, "It's a sham-
Bolic way to write verses like SPAM-
Ericks. They should flow
Not too fast, not too slow-
Ly but, frankly, I don't give a damn!"
I used to be sober and staid
Before the first SPAMerick I made.
It took over my life,
Now I've lost my wife
And my house, since the rent wasn't paid.
Said the rose tint obsessive, "Just think
How much of the wide world is pink;
From elephants to panthers
Via gin and Dianthus.
And there's SPAM too! I'm calling my shrink!"
Hormel's neighbor was put to the test
By a noisy nocturnal SPAMfest.
The response to his call:
"We're holding a Pig's Ball."
"Well, let it go then we'll all get some rest!"
There once was a muppet named Spa'am
(No relation to Hormel's spiced ha'am).
Miss Piggy was hot
So he said, "Why not?":
A case of wha'am ba'am, tha'ank you, ma'am!
A poor pig called out for her mamma
When she heard she was destined for Parma.
To end her life--BAM!--
As a pink Parma ham!
Then she ran off to Austin: bad karma!
The pig with unenviable karma
Stowed away in the truck of a farmer
As he drove one dark night
From the home of SPAM Lite.
Now she s safe in the home of Jeff Dahmer!
When the cops made their raid on Jeff Dahmer
Our piggy was in her pyjamas.
But she hid in a pile
Of hair, guts and bile
Then she made off, diguised as a llama!
Our porky pal, dressed as a llama,
Joined a circus bound for Yokohama.
When they served up SPAM chunks
She yelled out, "Freeze, punks!"
(The thought of SPAM meat didn't charm her!)
As she threatened a trembling snake charmer,
The cops made attempts to disarm her.
They tried to suppress
With appeals from the great Dalai Lama.
The stun guns were brought out to calm her;
Life flashed in a brief panorama.
Hormel took her, poor sow!
She was slaughtered and now
She's the star of this year's SPAMarama!
The movie, shot in the Bahamas,
To be screened in deluxe Cinerama,
Is financed by Hormel
(Or so I hear tell)
And directed by Brian De Palma.
The moral: 'gainst death there's no armor,
Though you be a rogue or a charmer.
"He who flees from his fate
Runs right into it, mate!"
(To misquote the Oedipus drama.)
Henpecked Dan couldn't forgive her
When his wife served up diced SPAM and liver
With cabbage and leek
For the fifth time that week!
His lip shook with a tremulous quiver.
His pale hands were racked by a shiver.
He couldn't eat even a sliver!
It had an aroma
Like a rank carcinoma
Or a thing that has long ceased to slither!
Dan's partner, the brawny Olivia--
A mud-wrestling champ from Bolivia--
Raced after her spouse
As he left the house
Yelling, "Hey, take these SPAM fritters with ya!"
His olfactory started to wither
From the stench of the SPAM she brought with her.
To improve his life
He'd get rid of his wife
By drowning the bitch in the river!
"No! She never goes down to the river...
...But an O.D. of pills will deliver
The thing I pursue,
Crushed up in SPAM stew...
...Damn! She's taken the SPAM key out with her!"
"At this rate I'll never outlive her!
One chance left! There's no time to dither.
I'll phone Domino
For SPAM pizza to go
And dope up the half that I'll give her!"
Later Dan said, "I'd just like to give ya
The crap you gave me, dear Olivia!"
Now she's trapped by a ton
Of SPAM cans in the john
While he reads out a pile of SPAM trivia!
Our Danny was always a giver;
Whatever she asked he'd deliver.
But now the worm's turned
And his bridges he's burned.
(Not too wise if you live near a river!)
SPAM s miracle meat and thick gel
Have health-giving properties as well:
A full can each day
Keeps the doctor away--
Unless he has no sense of smell!
A SPAMerick dilemma: how well
I'm aware of this problem! Please tell--
Should people say "Hormel"
So it rhymes with "normal"
Or stress it to sound like "foretell"?
SHAM told me, "The check's in the mail,
Compensation for all your travail."
So, increase your delight
And stay tuned to this site
For another SPAM limerick tale!
The park ranger hadn't a care;
He loved his job out in the air.
But then some dumb critters
Ate up his SPAM fritters.
Now it's "Exit, pursued by a bear"!
Here's another conundrum for you:
How is it my SPAMericks get through
To the Archive web site
Before SPAMku I write
In spite of the SPAM Autoku?
As we in the U.K. know well,
You guys in the U.S. can't spell
Words like "colour" and "centre";
And SPAM's dumb-ass inventor
Must also have no sense of smell!
Mark Antony let out a gasp
As Cleo unpinned her robe's clasp.
But the ambience was broken
When she saw his love token:
"SPAM gift set for me? Kiss my asp!"
All the clothes that I owned were too tight
And my body a hideous sight
When I O.D.'d on SPAM.
Now I like who I am.
What a difference since I've seen the Lite!
The ad agency briefly had planned a
Deluge of SPAM propaganda.
But pork meat's passe;
What the world wants today
Is SPANGAROO, SPOSTRICH, and SPANDA!
A pair working for Uncle Sam
Probed Hormel's use of sheep with their ham.
(Headline used by the press
To report their success:
"Sam and Pam Van Damme Slam Lamb/SPAM scam!")
Said the coach, with inveterate candor,
To his quarterback-kicker, "Don't stand there
Like a great lump of SPAM!
Take the ball on the lam
Or you'll never outclass old George Blanda!"
You'll find I'm a little effete
When faced with a plate of SPAM meat.
Its texture and odor
Are just like a loada
The stuff that a dog might excrete!
A master chef named Alexander
Said, "I really prefer something blander.
But to mask SPAM's foul taste
I use jalapeño paste
And a large scoop of ground coriander."
The guy at the end of my street
Found my hobby a little offbeat.
As far as he was aware
A SPAMku is where
You line up to buy pork luncheon meat!
There once was a fellow named Scooter
Who ate SPAM till it stiffened his hooter,
Thus attracting a lass,
Till, repelled by the gas,
She informed him that he didn't suit her.
There once was a king from Siam
Who based the economy on SPAM.
Inflation got bad
So they ate all they had
And spent the next day in the can.
Some advice from a health care report:
"If you want to get rid of a wart,
Prepare a SPAM dressing
And, without too much pressing,
The virus will start to abort!"
My long-suffering wife (her name's Tricia)
Thought her dowdy old clothes should be swisher.
But I've broken this stasis:
With SPAM smeared on my glasses
She's more gorgeous than Claudia Schiffer!
I'm off on my holiday today
(That's vacation in the U. S. of A.)
To the old Emerald Isle.
This is all for a while.
(Take SPAMericks to Limerick? No way!)
There once was a SPAM on a plate
That got tired of having to wait.
So it crawled to the floor
And it oozed out the door
And everyone thought this was great!
Igor winced as he held the retort
While Frankenstein poured in a quart
Of sieved toads and mice
With a huge pink SPAM slice--
And the can as a final resort.
But Frankenstein had to abort
His attempt to make life of a sort.
It became all too plain
That, with SPAM for a brain,
His endeavors would all come to nought.
Poor Igor was somewhat distraught
At the rather unpalatable thought
That he'd have to eat
All the left over meat
From the cans of SPAM Lite that he'd bought.
He racked his brain trying to sort
Out the problem in which he was caught.
"Yes! I'll use this SPAM meat
To construct--what a treat!--
A dolly with which to cavort!"
The pink morsels quickly were wrought
Into the shape that Igor sought;
And he used up as well
The gloppy SPAM gel
In the intimate parts that were taut!
As he slid himself on his consort
Igor loudly exclaimed with a snort,
"Oh yes! Now we're talking!
This is better than porking
That Taiwanese rubber import!"
They eloped to a sun-baked resort
But the romance was sadly cut short.
Dolly sizzled, turned brown
And was swiftly gulped down
By a huge sumo wrestler named Mort.
If I die now my life is complete,
Having rivalled the Olympic elite.
I jumped, vaulted, ran
And threw a SPAM can
One thousand and sixty-nine feet!
My life to this point was a sham
With my urges pent up like a clam.
But I'm out of the closet
And I'm free now to cosset
My one true love--pink, meaty SPAM!
Popeye's spinach was switched with canned ham.
He swallowed it down and then--WHAM!
All his limbs turned to rubber
And he started to blubber,
"I yam what I yam... and that's SPAM!"
With the force of a runaway tram,
Bluto slammed Popeye's head in the jamb;
Hit that poor sailor man
With a 12 ounce SPAM can
Till he bleated, "Please, stop!", like a lamb.
The big pig said "Come on, let's scram!"
And led the rest out on the lam.
But these rebels on fire
Misjudged human ire.
The result--the invention of SPAM.
"Where are you from?" said I, serving SPAM
To a young man from South Vietnam.
His hand shook as he took it
And I'm sure he said "Phuket"
But that's a place in the former Siam.
On a binge awhile back I did cram
Full of pan-fried and wonderful SPAM
Till the swelling did start
Palpitating of heart,
And my belly on impulse went, "Blam."
When I hear a strange noise in the night
Just before I switch on the hall light
I struggle to cram
A large can of SPAM
In a sock--it might come to a fight!
Marine rookies hike with full pack
Then are left all alone in a shack
In the depths of a wood
With no source of food
Except for SPAM meat--watch 'em crack!
My poor next-door neighbor was quite
Overcome by my generous invite:
"Please join us for tea--
We'll have SPAM fricassee."
His knees knocked and his face turned pale white!
With over five score to his name,
The SPAMerick is mickman's domain.
The reason, I guess,
For his matchless success,
Is having SPAM meat for a brain!
But lately he's been a bit slack,
Displaying a nonchalant lack
Of concern for the threat
From the increasing set
By yours truly--I'm hot on his track!
SPAM is a registered trademark of Hormel Foods Corporation for luncheon meat. The Haiku Archive Master and the contributors to this website have no legal, commercial or financial involvement with Hormel Foods. Neither the information presented here, nor the manner in which it has been presented, has been sanctioned by Hormel Foods.