SPAM Limericks 301-400

Move backwards to Numbers 201-300.

301.
Ben Franklin was shocked one dark night
As he flew, in a storm, his small kite.
The lightning flashed--ZING!--
To the end of the string
And the key from a can of SPAM Lite.

--Geoff Holme, Geoff_Holme@vos.stratus.com

302.
MSB once was taken aback
When he found he'd forgotten to pack
SPAM meat, KY gel
And Kleenex. "Oh, hell!
Now what will I do in the sack?"

--Geoff Holme, Geoff_Holme@vos.stratus.com

303.
These sex acts of which people write
In SPAMku on John Cho's web site:
Are they due to SPAM pork
Needing a good fork
And some folks not hearing that right?

--Geoff Holme, Geoff_Holme@vos.stratus.com

304.
An infamous gourmand named Jack
Had a rather unsavory knack
Of spreading sliced SPAM
With strawberry jam
Which he ate, between meals, as a snack.

--Geoff Holme, Geoff_Holme@vos.stratus.com

305.
If it's SPAMericks you want, I'm your man!
But aesthetics just ain't in my plan.
There's no time to refine;
Like a vast assembly line,
I just churn out the stuff, like SPAM cans!

--Geoff Holme, Geoff_Holme@vos.stratus.com

306.
Right now, I'm a miserable hack
. But one day they'll put up a plaque
Saying "Here lived Geoff Holme
Who wrote many a poem
About SPAM, in a room at the back."

--Geoff Holme, Geoff_Holme@vos.stratus.com

307.
Although my name's found under these
SPAM verses, I'd like, if you please,
To ask for your pardon.
You see, I'm no bard 'n'
They're translations from Mandarin Chinese.

--Geoff Holme, Geoff_Holme@vos.stratus.com

308.
"...News just in--and loose on the street
Is a psycho, obsessed with pork meat.
Although he's quite manic
There's no need to panic
Unless he gets more SPAM to eat."

--Geoff Holme, Geoff_Holme@vos.stratus.com

309.
Said the shivering student who swam
Down an icy cold stretch of the Cam,
Dressed in just underwear,
"I'd n-n-normally not d-dare,
But the f-f-forfeit's to eat a whole SPAM!"

--Geoff Holme, Geoff_Holme@vos.stratus.com

310.
A vegan from southern Belize
Held the notion that SPAM grew on trees.
But her dish was not eaten;
Her guests started to threaten
That they would shoot more than the breeze!

--Geoff Holme, Geoff_Holme@vos.stratus.com

311.
A Cubist is someone who sees
Things in ways which cause some folks unease.
Like Picasso or Braque,
His perception's off whack--
Offer SPAM and he's sure to say "Please!".

--Geoff Holme, Geoff_Holme@vos.stratus.com

312.
This rejection slip came from the SHAM--
"Re the poems in your telegram:
To be blunt, if you'll pardon,
They're just too avant garde 'n'
There's not enough reference to SPAM."

--Geoff Holme, Geoff_Holme@vos.stratus.com

313.
To Miss Piggy Popeye said, "My dear Ma'am,
I am what I eat, that I am."
Then rendering Miss Piggy
From her hooves to her wig, he
Claimed I am what was ham, I am SPAM.

--J. Hayek

314.
A middle-aged man from Xinjiang
Once tried SPAM then began this harangue:
"It's O.K. as a snack
But my aphrodisiac
Is a bubbling soup of trepang!"

--Geoff Holme, Geoff_Holme@vos.stratus.com

315.
A marine life researcher named Pawson
Attended a screening of Jaws 'n'
Came up with a plan
To smear greasy SPAM
On the parts that a shark usually gnaws on.

--Geoff Holme, Geoff_Holme@vos.stratus.com

316.
Raise your glasses in wild celebration!
I've received a prestigious citation
Thanks to my many fans!
I'm now Laureate of SPAM
With a grant from the Hormel Foundation!

--Geoff Holme, Geoff_Holme@vos.stratus.com

317.
A psycho SPAM eater named Walker
Was obsessed with Miss Piggy. He'd stalk her
By day and by night
To catch a brief sight
Of that steatopygous young porker!

--Geoff Holme, Geoff_Holme@vos.stratus.com

318.
I once put a small SPAM gift pack
On the monitor of my Apple Mac
To promote inspiration.
But it led to frustration--
Thick, grey smoke and the screen turning black.

--Geoff Holme, Geoff_Holme@vos.stratus.com

319.
A literary critic named Dawson,
With his boy, took a short, one-day course on
Edward Lear's Limerick Rhymes.
"He repeats his first lines!
And no mention of SPAM--what a flaw, son!"

--Geoff Holme, Geoff_Holme@vos.stratus.com

320.
A builder from Ames, Oklahoma
Spent thirty-six weeks in a coma.
He'd been hit by some lumber
But was roused from his slumber
By a whiff of SPAM meat's vile aroma.

--Geoff Holme, Geoff_Holme@vos.stratus.com

321.
To cure her addiction to SPAM, a
Girl from Mobile, Alabama
Tied herself at the knees
To a circus trapeze
And hit her own head with a hammer.

--Geoff Holme, Geoff_Holme@vos.stratus.com

322.
She'd once been a fine bare-back rider
But her belly got wider and wider.
The problem--you guessed!--
Was putting the best
Part of five cans of SPAM meat inside her.

--Geoff Holme, Geoff_Holme@vos.stratus.com

323.
"Right! That's it! Stop right there!", bellowed Nils
As he rehearsed his act with the seals.
"You won't do what I wish
So I'll swap all these fish
For SPAM. We'll just see how that feels!"

--Geoff Holme, Geoff_Holme@vos.stratus.com

324.
On the high-wire, Dmitri was set
For a back flip but started to sweat.
"SPAM for lunch! I feel YUCK!
And I gotta upchuck
But I'm up here with no safety net!"

--Geoff Holme, Geoff_Holme@vos.stratus.com

325.
As Jolene put her head in the jaws
Of a lion, to thunderous applause,
She laughed, since she knew
That, with her SPAM shampoo,
There's no danger until she withdraws.

--Geoff Holme, Geoff_Holme@vos.stratus.com

326.
In the slapstick routine, Max the Clown
Developed a deep, pensive frown.
He'd started to think
Why SPAM goes in pink
And comes out a light shade of brown.

--Geoff Holme, Geoff_Holme@vos.stratus.com

327.
All day long I do what people ask;
I'm transformed when I don this pink mask.
The worst of the curse is
I churn out SPAM verses
Dressed in boots, fish net tights, and silk basque!

--Geoff Holme, Geoff_Holme@vos.stratus.com

328.
Dear Geoff Holme, I've just read your piece
All about a young Vietnamese.
Please cut out this crap!
Signed, A Member of SLAP
(SPAM Limerick Aesthetics Police)

--SLAP Head

329.
That renowned SPAMophile Geoffrey Holme
Is a dab hand at penning a polme.
With his pink porky rhymes
He enjoys some great times,
Now his SPAMericks would fill a large tolme.

--David Pawson

330.
I am truly amazed at the internet scam;
Nothing is sacred--not even SPAM.
It breaks my heart
Reading limericks by part,
But I'm laughing out loud, God damn!!

--Janie Miller

331.
A friend of mine (let's call her "Gert")
Asked her dinner host, "What's for dessert?"
"Would you like to try
SPAM and corn syrup pie?"
I won't say where she hit--but it hurt.

--Geoff Holme, Geoff_Holme@vos.stratus.com

332.
Just last week, as I slid from the wheel
Of my SPAM colored automobile,
I was mobbed by a gang
Of SPAM limerick fans:
Adulation is hard to conceal!

--Geoff Holme, Geoff_Holme@vos.stratus.com

333.
So, I'm taking this chance to reveal
Just how utterly privileged I feel.
I got where I am
Thanks to God, Mom and SPAM--
And pandering to popular appeal.

--Geoff Holme, Geoff_Holme@vos.stratus.com

334.
Here's a recipe sure to excite
Your taste buds! Take 2 cups of Lite
SPAM meat that's been diced,
4 red onions, sliced,
And marinate it all overnight...

--Geoff Holme, Geoff_Holme@vos.stratus.com

335.
...In a large tumblerful of Cointreau.
Then cover it all in firm dough.
Bake it slowly, then mash,
Throw it all in the trash
And order a pizza to go!

--Geoff Holme, Geoff_Holme@vos.stratus.com

336.
An IRS clerk named Emil
Is allergic to pork meat but he'll
Scream out, "OH YES! I LOVE IT!!"
When you take SPAM and shove it
Where the sun does not shine, while he kneels.

--Geoff Holme, Geoff_Holme@vos.stratus.com

337.
My cartoon strip hero, Dilbert,
Always wears a white, short-sleeved shirt.
To diffuse the grim scent
Of SPAM Deodorant--
All-day action from one little squirt!

--Geoff Holme, Geoff_Holme@vos.stratus.com

338.
When my comic strip hero, Dilbert,
Was attacked with SPAM he was unhurt.
But he wears a blank stare
'Cos it spiked up his hair
And caused his best tie to invert.

--Geoff Holme, Geoff_Holme@vos.stratus.com

339.
A sweet, gentle girl named Lucille
Was always refined and genteel
Until her brunch host
Served up fried SPAM on toast...
Her life sentence is under appeal.

--Geoff Holme, Geoff_Holme@vos.stratus.com

340.
"Yes, it's true, I admit, I do crave
After SPAM; but to it I'm no slave.
I eat three cans a day
But I could quit, O.K.?"

Were the words that they put on his grave.

--Geoff Holme, Geoff_Holme@vos.stratus.com

341.
If I had my time over again,
To avoid all the sorrow and pain,
I d be more kind and gentle,
Not so temperamental;
But I'd still treat SPAM meat with disdain.

--Geoff Holme, Geoff_Holme@vos.stratus.com

342.
Dear Geoff Holme, This is SLAP Head again.
The IRS are fine guys, in the main.
To imply that they use
SPAM meat for abuse
Is a slur. They phoned SLAP to complain.

--SLAP Head

343.
See guys weep as their life's work disperses
And the air turning blue with their curses:
I changed my name to "Boringe,"
(An exact rhyme for orange);
Now my fame's spread beyond just SPAM verses.

--Geoff Holme, Geoff_Holme@vos.stratus.com

344.
A young college student named Kirsty
Said that she felt enormously thirsty.
"Ate more SPAM than I oughta!
Too much salt!! Pass the water!!!"
She kept drinking till her bladder burst! Gee!

--Geoff Holme, Geoff_Holme@vos.stratus.com

345.
Spare a thought for those poor Japanese
Soldiers still hiding out in the trees
Of the western Pacific.
Still, it must be terrific:
No sex scandals, smog or SPAM! Jeez!

--Geoff Holme, Geoff_Holme@vos.stratus.com

346.
My doctors say thinking in rhyme
Isn't good for someone past his prime.
If I waste one more day
Writing SPAMericks, they say
That they don't give me very much time...

--Geoff Holme, Geoff_Holme@vos.stratus.com

347.
...Their advice is complete rest in bed,
With no rhymes to bother my head.
"Keep your mind totally blank--
Watch fish swim in a tank
Or just stick to SPAMku instead."

--Geoff Holme, Geoff_Holme@vos.stratus.com

348.
More than 100 SPAMericks from me!
But there's still more to do yet. You see
I'm determined I'm gonna
Outperform Mike O'Connor
(In number, if not quality).

--Geoff Holme, Geoff_Holme@vos.stratus.com

349.
Dear John Cho, I beseech you--ignore
If Dave Pawson submits any more.
It just wouldn't be right as
He stalks limerick writers
And, like SPAM meat, it sticks in my craw!

--Geoff Holme, Geoff_Holme@vos.stratus.com

350.
A Natural History curator
In a restaurant yelled out to the waiter,
"The fly that just swam
In my soup's on my SPAM!
Now it's dead--gone to meet the Creator."

--Geoff Holme, Geoff_Holme@vos.stratus.com

351.
A Chinese pork lover named Tsui
Brought home SPAM to his house in St. Louis.
Now his dog won't stop baying
And his poor wife is praying
For a way to restore their feng shui.

--Geoff Holme, Geoff_Holme@vos.stratus.com

352.
The Old World map-maker, Mercator,
Was notorious as a masturbator.
He'd a strong predilection
To crank his "projection."
(Abusing SPAM meat came much later...)

--Geoff Holme, Geoff_Holme@vos.stratus.com

353.
Shakespeare wrote all those plays? You're mistaken.
My research shows that some came from Bacon.
A word search of Hamlet
Finds no reference to SPAM, yet
My belief in this theory's unshaken.

--Geoff Holme, Geoff_Holme@vos.stratus.com

354.
Though the powers that be try to appease,
JFK theorists still feel unease.
Claims, conjectures, suggestions!
Now to add to the questions:
Who smeared SPAM grease on young Michael's skis?

--Geoff Holme, Geoff_Holme@vos.stratus.com

355.
Said the priest, to the future in-laws,
"Can anyone here show just cause
Why these two should not wed?"
"Yes! He'll take SPAM to bed
And indulge in abuse while she snores!"

--Geoff Holme, Geoff_Holme@vos.stratus.com

356.
Indulging in SPAM has destroyed a
Pleasure that you once enjoyed, uh?
Hormel shows no restraint,
They'll deride your complaint:
A case of acute schadenfreude!

--Geoff Holme, Geoff_Holme@vos.stratus.com

357.
The night rings in my home town of Lancing
With SPAM barbecues, singing and dancing.
It's one vast jamboree--
I beat mickman's P.B.
And my output's still daily advancing!

--Geoff Holme, Geoff_Holme@vos.stratus.com

358.
Whilst playing a tune by Berlin
A splinter got stuck in my chin.
The wound was infected
But now I'm protected
By SPAM stuck to my violin.

--Geoff Holme, Geoff_Holme@vos.stratus.com

359.
If you look past the marketing spiel,
A review of the facts will reveal
Hormel's flagrant conceit:
SPAM's no "miracle meat"--
It's not fit to adorn any meal.

--Geoff Holme, Geoff_Holme@vos.stratus.com

360.
My predicament's quite problematical.
Some guys think that I am fanatical
When it comes down to SPAM:
Should I stay as I am
Or indulge in a well-earned sabbatical?

--Geoff Holme, Geoff_Holme@vos.stratus.com

361.
God worked several days and was glad;
On the next he made SPAM and was sad.
"It's not up to my best.
Should have taken a rest...
Still, six out of seven ain't bad!"

--Geoff Holme, Geoff_Holme@vos.stratus.com

362.
My microwave oven is screwy!
It works fine if I heat up chop suey
Mixed with fried beef or ham.
But if I add diced SPAM,
Sparks will fly and the whole thing turns gooey...

--Geoff Holme, Geoff_Holme@vos.stratus.com

363.
...So I phoned up the makers, Matsui,
And got this from a young man named Hughie:
"You're the sixth one today!
SPAM's the problem, OK?
Try it raw mixed with cold ratatouille."

--Geoff Holme, Geoff_Holme@vos.stratus.com

364.
A SPAM meat abuser overcame
His thoughts of self-loathing and shame
When he happened to find
That he'd really gone blind.
He sent in a damages claim.

--Geoff Holme, Geoff_Holme@vos.stratus.com

365.
Hormel, flatly denying all blame
For the tragedy, tried to disclaim
Liability. Excuse?
"It was product misuse."
But they'd ten other suits all the same!

--Geoff Holme, Geoff_Holme@vos.stratus.com

366.
The blind monkey spanker became
More annoyed until he was aflame
With a burning desire
To give vent to his ire
By sullying Hormel's good name.

--Geoff Holme, Geoff_Holme@vos.stratus.com

367.
So he started a national campaign
To publicize how SPAM can maim.
He wrote SPAM poetry,
Which he read on T.V.,
And thus greatly enhanced his own fame.

--Geoff Holme, Geoff_Holme@vos.stratus.com

368.
Hormel's lawyers set out to reclaim
The reputation he'd tried to defame.
They began a suit where
They hoped they could declare
Their opponent completely insane.

--Geoff Holme, Geoff_Holme@vos.stratus.com

369.
"Hormel's case is weak, shallow and lame,"
The trial judge was heard to exclaim.
"SPAM's a threat to society!
I won't let my wife buy it!" he
Cried. "A complete ban's my aim!"

--Geoff Holme, Geoff_Holme@vos.stratus.com

370.
The judgment received wide acclaim.
And that's how those lawyers all came
To be thrown on skid row.
Now the victor, John Cho,
Runs this web site--another ball-game.

--Geoff Holme, Geoff_Holme@vos.stratus.com

371.
I sing of a product named SPAM
Made up, so they say, out of ham.
They mush it 'til mushy
And squoosh it 'til squooshy
And jam-pack it into a can.

--Michael Devine, kenobi@leland.stanford.edu

372.
My dear little nephew, aged four,
Loves the seaside; he likes nothing more
Than to run, paddle and
Build vast castles of sand
With a SPAM can he found on the shore.

--Geoff Holme, Geoff_Holme@vos.stratus.com

373.
Dear Geoff Holme, an encouraging sign!
Your last entry was quite anodyne--
No smutty SPAM jokes
At the cost of the folks
At Hormel whom you usually malign.

--SLAP Head

374.
My Inuit friend will not freeze.
He rubs rancid SPAM grease on his knees,
Ears, elbows, and nose
When the cold north wind blows
And the weather drops 50 degrees.

--Geoff Holme, Geoff_Holme@vos.stratus.com

375.
"Arma virumque cano"
Is just one Latin verse that I know.
In 2000 years time
Just how many a rhyme
About SPAM will be still apropos?

--Geoff Holme, Geoff_Holme@vos.stratus.com

376.
A poor Indian man named Aziz
Eats meals made with rice and chickpeas
Or some other gram.
But he will not touch SPAM
Though it costs not many rupees.

--Geoff Holme, Geoff_Holme@vos.stratus.com

377.
Another poor man from New Delhi
Rubs slimy SPAM gel on his belly
To keep off the flies.
But, until it dries,
It's slippery, cold, and quite smelly.

--Geoff Holme, Geoff_Holme@vos.stratus.com

378.
Sir Geoffrey "The Laureate" Holme
Compiled a magnificent tome
Of SPAMericks he wrote
On an old upturned boat
By the shores of his ancestral home.

--Mike O'Connor (K.M.O'Connor), mickman@intonet.co.uk

379.
So mickman returns to the fray!
I thought you had no more to say
About SPAM in verse form.
You took SPAMericks by storm
Then your output just faded away.

--Geoff Holme, Geoff_Holme@vos.stratus.com

380.
It's clear from your last communique:
Its style, tone, and content betray
Complete veneration
Of my imposing station
As Hormel's U.K. SPAM attache.

--Geoff Holme, Geoff_Holme@vos.stratus.com

381.
In the remotest of chambers in Hell
Old mickman complained of the smell
Of computer corruption
And spontaneous combustion
When Sir Geoffrey left SPAM in the cell.

--Mike O'Connor (K.M.O'Connor), mickman@intonet.co.uk

382.
Just last night I received a great shock
When I looked up and glanced at the clock.
I'd spent the whole day
With nothing to say
About SPAM: a complete writer's block!

--Geoff Holme, Geoff_Holme@vos.stratus.com

383.
After 36 hours in a tank
Of SPAM gel, my mind was a blank:
My skin started peeling,
I had no sense of feeling,
I was deaf, dumb and blind--and I stank.

--Geoff Holme, Geoff_Holme@vos.stratus.com

384.
Captain's Log, Supplemental: It seems
That a force in the transporter beams
Has attacked Mr Spock.
He appears in deep shock,
Crying, "Look out! It's SPAM!!" between screams.

--Geoff Holme, Geoff_Holme@vos.stratus.com

385.
On All Hallow's Eve at midnight
Witches from far and wide reunite.
They each hold a can
Of foul, fetid SPAM,
Which they use in some devilish rite.

--Geoff Holme, Geoff_Holme@vos.stratus.com

386.
A weary old Scotsman named Jock,
After years hunting Nessie, said "Och,
I dinna hae the pow'r
To watch hour after hour.
Flush him oot: drop raw SPAM in the loch!"

--Geoff Holme, Geoff_Holme@vos.stratus.com

387.
My worst dream? I'm employed as a plumber
In the sweltering heat of mid-summer
In the heart of the city,
Clearing drains blocked with gritty,
Stale, rancid, foul SPAM... What a bummer!

--Geoff Holme, Geoff_Holme@vos.stratus.com

388.
I feel sick, my hands tremble, knees knock
My mistake was to use my new wok
To make SPAM stir-fry.
Now my throat's sore and dry
And I'm sweating: Please call out the doc!

--Geoff Holme, Geoff_Holme@vos.stratus.com

389.
When I started, I wrote just SPAMku;
Now I find only SPAMericks will do.
'Cos what you get with 'em
Are rhyming and rhythm
And there's more meat on which you can chew.

--Geoff Holme, Geoff_Holme@vos.stratus.com

390.
My son's not as clever as some are.
He gave up his job as the drummer
With The Rock Band From Hell.
Now he works for Hormel
Tasting SPAM. Tell me--what could be dumber?

--Geoff Holme, Geoff_Holme@vos.stratus.com

391.
In my list of words rhyming with "SPAM"
I came across this one: iamb.
It's a little scholastic;
It would take something drastic
To be useful outside an exam.

--Geoff Holme, Geoff_Holme@vos.stratus.com

392.
There once was a french female,
whose new internet address got scant email.
She was absolutely pissed,
so she got on the mailing list
and got spammed 'til her inbox was full.

--Anonymous

393.
An army drill sergeant named Ray
Yelled "Platoon! There's a route march today.
Ten miles out in full pack.
But, on the way back,
You'll have SPAM in your boots all the way!"

--Geoff Holme, Geoff_Holme@vos.stratus.com

394.
"If that plane leaves the ground and you're not
With him, you'll regret it. Maybe not
Today or tomorrow,
But soon, with deep sorrow--
We eat SPAM here, in case you forgot."

--Geoff Holme, Geoff_Holme@vos.stratus.com

395.
Though people may sneer, laugh, and mock
At my SPAM stash, I've built up a stock.
I won't get in a swelter
In my nuclear shelter
If they restore the Communist bloc.

--Geoff Holme, Geoff_Holme@vos.stratus.com

396.
In a run-down West Coast cabaret,
The stand-up was really risque.
His joke told of Clinton,
Monica, Rin Tin Tin, 'n'
SPAM meat in a motel ashtray.

--Geoff Holme, Geoff_Holme@vos.stratus.com

397.
In a trailer park just outside Banff,
Clementine tried to match Helene Hanff.
While her SPAM was digested,
She wrote off and requested
A copy of Hitler's Mein Kampf.

--Geoff Holme, Geoff_Holme@vos.stratus.com

398.
My aunt, who lives near St. Tropez,
Was serving her SPAM Lite Puree
When she slipped, dropped the dish.
We ate pommes frites and fish.
(Yes--I'd polished her kitchen's parquet.)

--Geoff Holme, Geoff_Holme@vos.stratus.com

399.
In a SPAM Cook-Off held outside Durban,
A Sikh won first prize with his Herb 'n'
SPAM Rissoles with Rice:
He didn't use spice--
Just two fingers of Kentucky bourbon.

--Geoff Holme, Geoff_Holme@vos.stratus.com

400.
What made this feat so darn perturbin'
Was the fact that it tasted superb 'n'
They couldn't see how
He'd made such great chow--
But he hid the SPAM under his turban!

--Geoff Holme, Geoff_Holme@vos.stratus.com


Go on to Numbers 401-500.
Return to the SPAM Limerick Archive page.
John Nagamichi Cho


Copyright 1995-1998 by the authors.

SPAM is a registered trademark of Hormel Foods Corporation for luncheon meat. The Haiku Archive Master and the contributors to this website have no legal, commercial or financial involvement with Hormel Foods. Neither the information presented here, nor the manner in which it has been presented, has been sanctioned by Hormel Foods.