Ben Franklin was shocked one dark night
As he flew, in a storm, his small kite.
The lightning flashed--ZING!--
To the end of the string
And the key from a can of SPAM Lite.
MSB once was taken aback
When he found he'd forgotten to pack
SPAM meat, KY gel
And Kleenex. "Oh, hell!
Now what will I do in the sack?"
These sex acts of which people write
In SPAMku on John Cho's web site:
Are they due to SPAM pork
Needing a good fork
And some folks not hearing that right?
An infamous gourmand named Jack
Had a rather unsavory knack
Of spreading sliced SPAM
With strawberry jam
Which he ate, between meals, as a snack.
If it's SPAMericks you want, I'm your man!
But aesthetics just ain't in my plan.
There's no time to refine;
Like a vast assembly line,
I just churn out the stuff, like SPAM cans!
Right now, I'm a miserable hack
. But one day they'll put up a plaque
Saying "Here lived Geoff Holme
Who wrote many a poem
About SPAM, in a room at the back."
Although my name's found under these
SPAM verses, I'd like, if you please,
To ask for your pardon.
You see, I'm no bard 'n'
They're translations from Mandarin Chinese.
"...News just in--and loose on the street
Is a psycho, obsessed with pork meat.
Although he's quite manic
There's no need to panic
Unless he gets more SPAM to eat."
Said the shivering student who swam
Down an icy cold stretch of the Cam,
Dressed in just underwear,
"I'd n-n-normally not d-dare,
But the f-f-forfeit's to eat a whole SPAM!"
A vegan from southern Belize
Held the notion that SPAM grew on trees.
But her dish was not eaten;
Her guests started to threaten
That they would shoot more than the breeze!
A Cubist is someone who sees
Things in ways which cause some folks unease.
Like Picasso or Braque,
His perception's off whack--
Offer SPAM and he's sure to say "Please!".
This rejection slip came from the SHAM--
"Re the poems in your telegram:
To be blunt, if you'll pardon,
They're just too avant garde 'n'
There's not enough reference to SPAM."
To Miss Piggy Popeye said, "My dear Ma'am,
I am what I eat, that I am."
Then rendering Miss Piggy
From her hooves to her wig, he
Claimed I am what was ham, I am SPAM.
A middle-aged man from Xinjiang
Once tried SPAM then began this harangue:
"It's O.K. as a snack
But my aphrodisiac
Is a bubbling soup of trepang!"
A marine life researcher named Pawson
Attended a screening of Jaws 'n'
Came up with a plan
To smear greasy SPAM
On the parts that a shark usually gnaws on.
Raise your glasses in wild celebration!
I've received a prestigious citation
Thanks to my many fans!
I'm now Laureate of SPAM
With a grant from the Hormel Foundation!
A psycho SPAM eater named Walker
Was obsessed with Miss Piggy. He'd stalk her
By day and by night
To catch a brief sight
Of that steatopygous young porker!
I once put a small SPAM gift pack
On the monitor of my Apple Mac
To promote inspiration.
But it led to frustration--
Thick, grey smoke and the screen turning black.
A literary critic named Dawson,
With his boy, took a short, one-day course on
Edward Lear's Limerick Rhymes.
"He repeats his first lines!
And no mention of SPAM--what a flaw, son!"
A builder from Ames, Oklahoma
Spent thirty-six weeks in a coma.
He'd been hit by some lumber
But was roused from his slumber
By a whiff of SPAM meat's vile aroma.
To cure her addiction to SPAM, a
Girl from Mobile, Alabama
Tied herself at the knees
To a circus trapeze
And hit her own head with a hammer.
She'd once been a fine bare-back rider
But her belly got wider and wider.
The problem--you guessed!--
Was putting the best
Part of five cans of SPAM meat inside her.
"Right! That's it! Stop right there!", bellowed Nils
As he rehearsed his act with the seals.
"You won't do what I wish
So I'll swap all these fish
For SPAM. We'll just see how that feels!"
On the high-wire, Dmitri was set
For a back flip but started to sweat.
"SPAM for lunch! I feel YUCK!
And I gotta upchuck
But I'm up here with no safety net!"
As Jolene put her head in the jaws
Of a lion, to thunderous applause,
She laughed, since she knew
That, with her SPAM shampoo,
There's no danger until she withdraws.
In the slapstick routine, Max the Clown
Developed a deep, pensive frown.
He'd started to think
Why SPAM goes in pink
And comes out a light shade of brown.
All day long I do what people ask;
I'm transformed when I don this pink mask.
The worst of the curse is
I churn out SPAM verses
Dressed in boots, fish net tights, and silk basque!
Dear Geoff Holme, I've just read your piece
All about a young Vietnamese.
Please cut out this crap!
Signed, A Member of SLAP
(SPAM Limerick Aesthetics Police)
That renowned SPAMophile Geoffrey Holme
Is a dab hand at penning a polme.
With his pink porky rhymes
He enjoys some great times,
Now his SPAMericks would fill a large tolme.
I am truly amazed at the internet scam;
Nothing is sacred--not even SPAM.
It breaks my heart
Reading limericks by part,
But I'm laughing out loud, God damn!!
A friend of mine (let's call her "Gert")
Asked her dinner host, "What's for dessert?"
"Would you like to try
SPAM and corn syrup pie?"
I won't say where she hit--but it hurt.
Just last week, as I slid from the wheel
Of my SPAM colored automobile,
I was mobbed by a gang
Of SPAM limerick fans:
Adulation is hard to conceal!
So, I'm taking this chance to reveal
Just how utterly privileged I feel.
I got where I am
Thanks to God, Mom and SPAM--
And pandering to popular appeal.
Here's a recipe sure to excite
Your taste buds! Take 2 cups of Lite
SPAM meat that's been diced,
4 red onions, sliced,
And marinate it all overnight...
...In a large tumblerful of Cointreau.
Then cover it all in firm dough.
Bake it slowly, then mash,
Throw it all in the trash
And order a pizza to go!
An IRS clerk named Emil
Is allergic to pork meat but he'll
Scream out, "OH YES! I LOVE IT!!"
When you take SPAM and shove it
Where the sun does not shine, while he kneels.
My cartoon strip hero, Dilbert,
Always wears a white, short-sleeved shirt.
To diffuse the grim scent
Of SPAM Deodorant--
All-day action from one little squirt!
When my comic strip hero, Dilbert,
Was attacked with SPAM he was unhurt.
But he wears a blank stare
'Cos it spiked up his hair
And caused his best tie to invert.
A sweet, gentle girl named Lucille
Was always refined and genteel
Until her brunch host
Served up fried SPAM on toast...
Her life sentence is under appeal.
"Yes, it's true, I admit, I do crave
After SPAM; but to it I'm no slave.
I eat three cans a day
But I could quit, O.K.?"
Were the words that they put on his grave.
If I had my time over again,
To avoid all the sorrow and pain,
I d be more kind and gentle,
Not so temperamental;
But I'd still treat SPAM meat with disdain.
Dear Geoff Holme, This is SLAP Head again.
The IRS are fine guys, in the main.
To imply that they use
SPAM meat for abuse
Is a slur. They phoned SLAP to complain.
See guys weep as their life's work disperses
And the air turning blue with their curses:
I changed my name to "Boringe,"
(An exact rhyme for orange);
Now my fame's spread beyond just SPAM verses.
A young college student named Kirsty
Said that she felt enormously thirsty.
"Ate more SPAM than I oughta!
Too much salt!! Pass the water!!!"
She kept drinking till her bladder burst! Gee!
Spare a thought for those poor Japanese
Soldiers still hiding out in the trees
Of the western Pacific.
Still, it must be terrific:
No sex scandals, smog or SPAM! Jeez!
My doctors say thinking in rhyme
Isn't good for someone past his prime.
If I waste one more day
Writing SPAMericks, they say
That they don't give me very much time...
...Their advice is complete rest in bed,
With no rhymes to bother my head.
"Keep your mind totally blank--
Watch fish swim in a tank
Or just stick to SPAMku instead."
More than 100 SPAMericks from me!
But there's still more to do yet. You see
I'm determined I'm gonna
Outperform Mike O'Connor
(In number, if not quality).
Dear John Cho, I beseech you--ignore
If Dave Pawson submits any more.
It just wouldn't be right as
He stalks limerick writers
And, like SPAM meat, it sticks in my craw!
A Natural History curator
In a restaurant yelled out to the waiter,
"The fly that just swam
In my soup's on my SPAM!
Now it's dead--gone to meet the Creator."
A Chinese pork lover named Tsui
Brought home SPAM to his house in St. Louis.
Now his dog won't stop baying
And his poor wife is praying
For a way to restore their feng shui.
The Old World map-maker, Mercator,
Was notorious as a masturbator.
He'd a strong predilection
To crank his "projection."
(Abusing SPAM meat came much later...)
Shakespeare wrote all those plays? You're mistaken.
My research shows that some came from Bacon.
A word search of Hamlet
Finds no reference to SPAM, yet
My belief in this theory's unshaken.
Though the powers that be try to appease,
JFK theorists still feel unease.
Claims, conjectures, suggestions!
Now to add to the questions:
Who smeared SPAM grease on young Michael's skis?
Said the priest, to the future in-laws,
"Can anyone here show just cause
Why these two should not wed?"
"Yes! He'll take SPAM to bed
And indulge in abuse while she snores!"
Indulging in SPAM has destroyed a
Pleasure that you once enjoyed, uh?
Hormel shows no restraint,
They'll deride your complaint:
A case of acute schadenfreude!
The night rings in my home town of Lancing
With SPAM barbecues, singing and dancing.
It's one vast jamboree--
I beat mickman's P.B.
And my output's still daily advancing!
Whilst playing a tune by Berlin
A splinter got stuck in my chin.
The wound was infected
But now I'm protected
By SPAM stuck to my violin.
If you look past the marketing spiel,
A review of the facts will reveal
Hormel's flagrant conceit:
SPAM's no "miracle meat"--
It's not fit to adorn any meal.
My predicament's quite problematical.
Some guys think that I am fanatical
When it comes down to SPAM:
Should I stay as I am
Or indulge in a well-earned sabbatical?
God worked several days and was glad;
On the next he made SPAM and was sad.
"It's not up to my best.
Should have taken a rest...
Still, six out of seven ain't bad!"
My microwave oven is screwy!
It works fine if I heat up chop suey
Mixed with fried beef or ham.
But if I add diced SPAM,
Sparks will fly and the whole thing turns gooey...
...So I phoned up the makers, Matsui,
And got this from a young man named Hughie:
"You're the sixth one today!
SPAM's the problem, OK?
Try it raw mixed with cold ratatouille."
A SPAM meat abuser overcame
His thoughts of self-loathing and shame
When he happened to find
That he'd really gone blind.
He sent in a damages claim.
Hormel, flatly denying all blame
For the tragedy, tried to disclaim
"It was product misuse."
But they'd ten other suits all the same!
The blind monkey spanker became
More annoyed until he was aflame
With a burning desire
To give vent to his ire
By sullying Hormel's good name.
So he started a national campaign
To publicize how SPAM can maim.
He wrote SPAM poetry,
Which he read on T.V.,
And thus greatly enhanced his own fame.
Hormel's lawyers set out to reclaim
The reputation he'd tried to defame.
They began a suit where
They hoped they could declare
Their opponent completely insane.
"Hormel's case is weak, shallow and lame,"
The trial judge was heard to exclaim.
"SPAM's a threat to society!
I won't let my wife buy it!" he
Cried. "A complete ban's my aim!"
The judgment received wide acclaim.
And that's how those lawyers all came
To be thrown on skid row.
Now the victor, John Cho,
Runs this web site--another ball-game.
I sing of a product named SPAM
Made up, so they say, out of ham.
They mush it 'til mushy
And squoosh it 'til squooshy
And jam-pack it into a can.
My dear little nephew, aged four,
Loves the seaside; he likes nothing more
Than to run, paddle and
Build vast castles of sand
With a SPAM can he found on the shore.
Dear Geoff Holme, an encouraging sign!
Your last entry was quite anodyne--
No smutty SPAM jokes
At the cost of the folks
At Hormel whom you usually malign.
My Inuit friend will not freeze.
He rubs rancid SPAM grease on his knees,
Ears, elbows, and nose
When the cold north wind blows
And the weather drops 50 degrees.
"Arma virumque cano"
Is just one Latin verse that I know.
In 2000 years time
Just how many a rhyme
About SPAM will be still apropos?
A poor Indian man named Aziz
Eats meals made with rice and chickpeas
Or some other gram.
But he will not touch SPAM
Though it costs not many rupees.
Another poor man from New Delhi
Rubs slimy SPAM gel on his belly
To keep off the flies.
But, until it dries,
It's slippery, cold, and quite smelly.
Sir Geoffrey "The Laureate" Holme
Compiled a magnificent tome
Of SPAMericks he wrote
On an old upturned boat
By the shores of his ancestral home.
So mickman returns to the fray!
I thought you had no more to say
About SPAM in verse form.
You took SPAMericks by storm
Then your output just faded away.
It's clear from your last communique:
Its style, tone, and content betray
Of my imposing station
As Hormel's U.K. SPAM attache.
In the remotest of chambers in Hell
Old mickman complained of the smell
Of computer corruption
And spontaneous combustion
When Sir Geoffrey left SPAM in the cell.
Just last night I received a great shock
When I looked up and glanced at the clock.
I'd spent the whole day
With nothing to say
About SPAM: a complete writer's block!
After 36 hours in a tank
Of SPAM gel, my mind was a blank:
My skin started peeling,
I had no sense of feeling,
I was deaf, dumb and blind--and I stank.
Captain's Log, Supplemental: It seems
That a force in the transporter beams
Has attacked Mr Spock.
He appears in deep shock,
Crying, "Look out! It's SPAM!!" between screams.
On All Hallow's Eve at midnight
Witches from far and wide reunite.
They each hold a can
Of foul, fetid SPAM,
Which they use in some devilish rite.
A weary old Scotsman named Jock,
After years hunting Nessie, said "Och,
I dinna hae the pow'r
To watch hour after hour.
Flush him oot: drop raw SPAM in the loch!"
My worst dream? I'm employed as a plumber
In the sweltering heat of mid-summer
In the heart of the city,
Clearing drains blocked with gritty,
Stale, rancid, foul SPAM... What a bummer!
I feel sick, my hands tremble, knees knock
My mistake was to use my new wok
To make SPAM stir-fry.
Now my throat's sore and dry
And I'm sweating: Please call out the doc!
When I started, I wrote just SPAMku;
Now I find only SPAMericks will do.
'Cos what you get with 'em
Are rhyming and rhythm
And there's more meat on which you can chew.
My son's not as clever as some are.
He gave up his job as the drummer
With The Rock Band From Hell.
Now he works for Hormel
Tasting SPAM. Tell me--what could be dumber?
In my list of words rhyming with "SPAM"
I came across this one: iamb.
It's a little scholastic;
It would take something drastic
To be useful outside an exam.
There once was a french female,
whose new internet address got scant email.
She was absolutely pissed,
so she got on the mailing list
and got spammed 'til her inbox was full.
An army drill sergeant named Ray
Yelled "Platoon! There's a route march today.
Ten miles out in full pack.
But, on the way back,
You'll have SPAM in your boots all the way!"
"If that plane leaves the ground and you're not
With him, you'll regret it. Maybe not
Today or tomorrow,
But soon, with deep sorrow--
We eat SPAM here, in case you forgot."
Though people may sneer, laugh, and mock
At my SPAM stash, I've built up a stock.
I won't get in a swelter
In my nuclear shelter
If they restore the Communist bloc.
In a run-down West Coast cabaret,
The stand-up was really risque.
His joke told of Clinton,
Monica, Rin Tin Tin, 'n'
SPAM meat in a motel ashtray.
In a trailer park just outside Banff,
Clementine tried to match Helene Hanff.
While her SPAM was digested,
She wrote off and requested
A copy of Hitler's Mein Kampf.
My aunt, who lives near St. Tropez,
Was serving her SPAM Lite Puree
When she slipped, dropped the dish.
We ate pommes frites and fish.
(Yes--I'd polished her kitchen's parquet.)
In a SPAM Cook-Off held outside Durban,
A Sikh won first prize with his Herb 'n'
SPAM Rissoles with Rice:
He didn't use spice--
Just two fingers of Kentucky bourbon.
What made this feat so darn perturbin'
Was the fact that it tasted superb 'n'
They couldn't see how
He'd made such great chow--
But he hid the SPAM under his turban!
SPAM is a registered trademark of Hormel Foods Corporation for luncheon meat. The Haiku Archive Master and the contributors to this website have no legal, commercial or financial involvement with Hormel Foods. Neither the information presented here, nor the manner in which it has been presented, has been sanctioned by Hormel Foods.