501. (Feb 5th)
A Russian spent over a year
All alone on the space station Mir
With nothing to eat
But putrid SPAM meat...
All his problems since then seem small beer.
502. (Feb 6th)
A born again West Tennesseean
Worships pigs and has written a paean
To bacon and ham.
Anyone who likes SPAM
He regards as just Laodicean.
503. (Feb 7th)
Those dictionary guys don't give a damn!
Just how versatile do they think I am?
Now this whole limerick sucks;
There's not even a reference to SPAM!
504. (Feb 8th)
A World War II pilot from Diss
Was a renowned for his bold artifice.
He once packed his munitions
With six month old SPAM rations
And dropped the whole lot on the Swiss.
When the SPAM sets in the West
And the hairs rot on my chest
I'll take a trip to New York,
Where the mobsters spit and talk,
And wear my dirty sneakers and an old string vest.
Comrades! mickman has written this rhyme;
But limerick it ain't! Every time
He ignores the set rhythm
I just cannot forgive him...
Just like SPAM, it's a base, heinous crime!
A flatulent farmer named Furt
Once ate so much SPAM that it hurt.
When he slipped on the grass
He bounced on his ass
All the way from West Chesham to Churt.
Mystery meat made by Hormel,
A big blue can of gore gel.
I like it a bunch,
I eat it for lunch,
As by my breath you can sure tell.
Mr. SPAM went out to Hollywood
In a shiny blue can, looking good.
As you've heard, no doubt,
Made a movie about
The Glob That ate the Neighborhood.
510. (Feb 9th)
The D.A. says she will initiate
A case against all who officiate
At lecherous orgies
Where SPAM meat and pork is
Employed to debauch, warp, and vitiate.
511. (Feb 10th)
When I helped out my neighbor, Walt Dorsey, a
Man of few words, he said "'Cos ya
Bin so kind to me
Take this SPAM fer yer tea!"
That caused me a frisson of nausea.
512. (Feb 11th)
I once asked an Austin librarian
How it was that a quinquagenarian
Like him looked so well
In the home of Hormel;
He replied "I'm a strict vegetarian."
513. (Feb 12th)
With his bristling moustache and dundrearies,
Dr. Watson tailed Holmes through a series
Of dark, dingy doors.
There a whore dropped her drawers,
Saying "Better than SPAM is this, dearies!"
514. (Feb 13th)
"Hi! You've reached The SPAM Complaint Line.
To record your beef press the pound sign."
So I punched octothorp
And yelled "Hormel Foods Corp.?
Your main product is pig poop in brine!"
515. (Feb 14th)
A gun-totin' Santa Fe squatter
Who had let Hormel's products besot her,
Used threats, force, and aggression
To supply her obsession
Till a SWAT team from Farmington shot her.
516. (Feb 15th)
SPAM Limerick Aesthetics Police?
Their workload is on the increase.
They handle those bloopers
With a cadre of troopers
Who SLAP down each rhythmic caprice.
An eccentric old misfit from Musa
Did tricks for his wife to amuse her.
He put SPAM on his head
And a slice of fried bread
While the band played a march by John Sousa.
There was a trick-cyclist from Bight
Who rode upside-down in the night.
When the King of Siam
Asked "Now do it on SPAM,"
He said "Say please and I might."
519. (Feb 16th)
King of Zydeco, Clifton Chenier,
Was a showman: he'd often appear
Through a haze of blue smoke
In a long flowing cloak
And a crown made of SPAM keys, I hear.
520. (Feb 17th)
I've a craving for SPAM I can't sate--
Every day I gain five pounds in weight!
Hormel Foods is to blame
And my damages claim
Is a charge that they can't abnegate!
521. (Feb 18th)
If you fish in the sea from a dory
And you want to live till you are hoary,
Dangle SPAM from the back
To avoid shark attack
And an end that's swift, violent, and gory.
522. (Feb 19th)
That's the seventh Viagra I've bought
And I'm still impotent... I'm distraught!
Your coquetry's no use
Nor is SPAM meat abuse...
My libido has dwindled to nought!
523. (Feb 20th)
"Lord! He's dead! Don't know quite what he drank
But he bought it from some mountebank
Who had stood on a rostrum
Advertising his nostrum:
It was pink, viscous goo and it stank!"
524. (Feb 21th)
Captain Oates, spurning breakfast, said "I'm
Going outside and may be some time."
Couldn't hold back the mold
On the SPAM which was well past its prime.)
525. (Feb 22nd)
In my little black book I've the number
Of a call girl from north of the Humber.
What she does with a Brillo
Is a mere peccadillo
When compared to the SPAM and cucumber!
526. (Feb 23rd)
In the gold rush, a guy from Nantucket
Struck a seam of pure SPAM. When he took it
For someone to assay
All that he had to say
Was "This stuff is worth less than the bucket!"
527. (Feb 24th)
In the 40s, a shyster named Cutler
Relinquished his job as a butler
When he thought up a scam
To use rank, condemned SPAM
To set himself up as a sutler.
528. (Feb 25th)
Clemence Sophia Harned Lozier
Saw a future for women far rosier
Than a fresh, glistening SPAM:
She expounded her plan
At National Women's Suffrage symposia.
529. (Feb 26th)
Jay Hormel encountered his demon
One night long ago in a dream 'n'
Exchanged his black heart
For a mess of pig parts
(Sheer diablerie added stale semen).
530. (Feb 27th)
"I just don't see how you can defend her!
Your wife clearly put SPAM in the blender
With beetroot and squid,
Failed to replace the lid,
And destroyed my sartorial splendor!"
531. (Feb 28th)
"This is 555-46932--
SPAM Verse Line. We've lots here to please you!
Sonnets, limericks, and clerihews,
Couplets, villanelles, and haikus:
Every one like a finely wrought bijou..."
532. (Mar 1st)
"...Our poets strive hard to complete 'em
With a reference to tasty SPAM meat... m-mm-m!!
So they all coruscate:
As Catullus might state--
'Arida modo pumice expolitum'..."
533. (Mar 2nd)
"...SPAM's a thing we hold dear to our hearts,
Inspiration for verse and fine arts,
Kindling greed, envy, lust...
Rather strange since it's just
A congeries of putrid pig parts."
534. (Mar 3rd)
Some folks think that I'm being satiric
When I write a short verse or a lyric
Praising pink, meaty SPAM
And its shiny blue can
But, believe me, it's pure panegyric.
535. (Mar 4th)
"You've no reason to cavil or quibble.
If you'd fed your pooch dog chow or kibble
Instead of raw SPAM
He'd be continent, ma'am...
Er, you might want to wipe up that dribble."
536. (Mar 5th)
Sometimes folks are alike as two peas;
Others differ, like chalk does from cheese.
Take this pair, June and Wilf:
She's a slim, slender sylph,
He's a slob, guzzling SPAM, lamb, and beef.
537. (Mar 6th)
"The fate of a pig is quite odious,"
Sighed the sad, sorry sow we call Jodie. "Us
porkers are damned
To be brutally crammed
In a can which is hardly commodious."
538. (Mar 7th)
John N. Cho, as the soi-disant SHAM,
Has celebrity status: his fans
Queue for hours in the rain
Hoping he'll sign his name
In their book of haikus about SPAM.
539. (Mar 8th)
A pachuco, on a trip to Chicago,
Gave a speech slandering SPAM, a farrago
Of fiction and fact
Which he needn't retract
Since no-one could decipher his argot.
540. (Mar 9th)
Jay Hormel, though quite conscientious,
Had a leaning towards the pretentious.
He heralded SPAM
As "The saviour of Man" --
A view most regard as tendentious.
541. (Mar 10th)
Using SPAM in your sexual activity
Sadly, won't guarantee exclusivity.
Search the SPAMku archive:
There's at least forty five
Others sharing this grubby proclivity.
542. (Mar 11th)
SPAM for supper, now I'm wide awake.
I'll be like this, I fear, till daybreak.
Scratched my scalp till it bled,
I've a sore, pounding head
And a terrible thirst I can't slake.
Johnathan Briggs and David Peat
Probably never, never eat meat.
When offered SPAM,
They both say "Ma'am,
I do declare it smells of feet!"
544. (Mar 12th)
A would-be coarse angler named Neil
Spent a fortune on rod, line, and reel,
Every bit of it state
Of the art; but his bait
Is just roughly diced SPAM, the schlemiel!
545. (Mar 13th)
The management team at Hormel
Plan to do all they can to dispel
SPAM's appalling street cred--
There's a new P.R. head
With a budget that's quite nonpareil.
546. (Mar 14th)
Young Descartes sullied his catechism
With a penchant for gross egotism:
"'I'm pink, so I'm SPAM?' No...
"'I think, so I am.' Yo!"
Then he slid into sheer solipsism.
547. (Mar 15th)
Uncle Jake had a really bad head;
He took aspirin and went straight to bed.
With a salve of SPAM meat meant
The problem's cleared up now--he's dead!
548. (Mar 16th)
Whatever the ship's size or tonnage,
Stevedores are reluctant to rummage
In a dark cargo hold
If they're teasingly told
There's a chance of diced SPAM in the dunnage.
549. (Mar 17th)
You know what I find most annoying?
People moping at dinner, just toying
With a tasty SPAM fry
Which they won't even try,
Complaining they find it too cloying.
550. (Mar 18th)
Captain's Log: Mr Spock earns much praise,
Shrugging off mind control and death rays;
But serve SPAM and the news is
He just blubbers and loses
The sangfroid that he usually displays.
551. (Mar 19th)
Cousin Cosmo, a film company gaffer,
Loved pork meat. But he fell from a rafter
When he slipped on SPAM grease.
Now his soul is at peace
And he lights up the happy hereafter.
552. (Mar 20th)
Some cosmologists still postulate
Worlds exist where SPAM meat tastes just great.
I don't mean to sound sneery
But this dubious theory
Isn't one to which I can relate.
553. (Mar 21st)
Old mickman's ebullient style
Gave his fans a good laugh for a while.
But his lawyers insist
That he has to desist
Till Hormel's libel case comes to trial.
554. (Mar 22nd)
"Tasty SPAM is the Miracle Meat."
That's the mantra we all should repeat
Till our hearts are ablaze!
Such a nifty catchphrase
Is a shibboleth that's hard to beat.
555. (Mar 23rd)
When I wrote my first SPAMerick I bet
My wife how much fan mail I'd get.
Sad to say, it now seems
My diaphanous dreams
Are reduced to one man and his pet!
556. (Mar 24th)
Tony Hopkins, as Hannibal Lecter,
Played a cannibal killer who'd hector
One and all; Jodie Foster
Told what SPAM's screams had cost her
Which forced that foul fiend to respect her.
557. (Mar 25th)
My eagle-eyed editor, Brenda,
Is preparing complete corrigenda:
Met with at the South Pole
Is just one oversight to offend her.
558. (Mar 26th)
A prim, priggish prude from Burundi
Hates my SPAMericks and flamed me last Sunday.
He expressed his exception
To my "vulgar" collection.
(He sounds a complete Mrs Grundy.)
559. (Mar 27th)
A Idaho gourmet named Shearer
Said "My lifelong ambition's no nearer...
To find a SPAM dish
I can eat is my wish
But it seems an elusive chimera."
560. (Mar 28th)
Uncle Ted says his wife, Mary Beth,
Hates the smell of SPAM meat on his breath.
There was no way to calm her
At last year's SPAMarama
When she called it a "fete" worse than death.
561. (Mar 29th)
Karst's a region of caverns and sink holes
Excavated by huge, furry, pink moles,
Fed on SPAM and hog swill,
Which the residents kill
And then skin to make garments like mink stoles.
562. (Mar 30th)
"Please yourself! I'm just saying I'd have thought that if
You'd known then you wouldn't have bought that. If
I did not give a damn
You could freely buy SPAM.
I'm just trying to be helpful and hortative."
563. (Mar 31st)
Half the SPAM set for lunch disappeared...
When I asked "Who wants Quorn?" someone cheered!
Alas and alack! Pity
The unseemly alacrity
With which everyone there volunteered!
564. (Apr 1st)
In an effort to obtain a spouse,
A spinster from Maine tried to chouse
All her long hoped for suitors
By enhancing her hooters
With a pound of SPAM stuffed down her blouse.
I once thought that Winnie the Pooh
Could survive on honey-based brew,
But once he had SPAM
His thoughts turned to ham
And now piglet is part of the stew.
566. (Apr 2nd)
When I wake up to skies that are grey
I feel down till I hear my wife say
"Rise and shine, sleepy head!
Here's your SPAM and fried bread."
It's the harbinger of a great day!
567. (Apr 3rd)
Doctor Dare did his durndest to palliate
The fever that flared when Aunt Sally ate
SPAM and cayenne paté
At her neighbor's soirée.
When she's better, she plans to retaliate.
568. (Apr 4th)
Serve SPAM and most lunch guests see red,
Scream and shout, tear their hair from their head.
But my son was phlegmatic;
Keeping faith with Socratic
Ideals, he drank hemlock instead.
569. (Apr 5th)
The sale of pig parts in Manila
Is controlled by a small camarilla
With a sly, cunning plan
To construct from raw SPAM
A 50 ft high, pink Godzilla.
570. (Apr 6th)
I never felt quite so bereft
As the day I discovered the theft
Of my file of SPAM verses.
What made this crime worse is
The crate of SPAM Lite that they left.
571. (Apr 7th)
It's the 40s: a time of high passions
When Hormel's foremost advocate fashions
An inept apologia
For the fact that each soldier
Faced a foul, fearsome foe on SPAM rations.
572. (Apr 8th)
It's a source of inordinate pride
To Hormel that a term often tied
To SPAM's can is "prestigious."
(Words like "gross," "rank," "egregious"
Are used to describe what's inside.)
573. (Apr 9th)
My pork-loving pal, Pat O'Shea,
Showed me plans for the SPAM theme café
That he wants me to grubstake:
It needs more than the pubs take
In Ireland on St Patrick's Day!
574. (Apr 10th)
"Simulacrum," in Philip K. Dick,
Is a term for a robot so slick
It could pass for a man,
In the same way that SPAM
Looks like something that won't make you sick.
575. (Apr 11th)
IF you're faced with the task to design a
brand new menu, there is nothing finer
Than to make your main course
Char-grilled SPAM in hot sauce:
That should quell the most exigent diner!
576. (Apr 12th)
Good news came to Aix via Ghent:
SPAM's price will fall fifty percent!
Every retailer's braced
For the wild, frezied chase
Such a policy's bound to foment.
577. (Apr 13th)
As topical as these verses can get,
Don't forget that Will S. wrote in Hamlet
"Avaunt, fie, and get the hence,
Thou purulent pestilence!"
No more eloquent rebuttal has SPAM met.
578. (Apr 14th)
The insouciance gourmets display
When faced with a dazzling array
At a SPAM Lite Convention
Barely covers the tension
Their trembling and sweating betray.
SPAM, 'tis a fine gourmet dish,
Pan fried, microwaved, or with fish.
But beware, my dear friend,
Because your bowels it can send
Down the toilet in a glorious swish.
580. (Apr 15th)
"If we all sent a can of SPAM Lite,
We could stop global famine tonight!"
"I wish you'd refrain, Ian,
From your wild, Ruritanian
Plans to make this mad world right!"
581. (Apr 16th)
Females fussing with ringlets and curls,
Making SPAM meals in twin sets and pearls
While their husbands drink beer:
These will never appear
In "The Herstory of Womyn and Grrrls."
582. (Apr 17th)
The theory of SPAM I expound
Is that all of these verses redound
To Hormel's greater glory:
The pork luncheon meat story
Will continue to run, I'll be bound.
583. (Apr 18th)
At breakfast, my brother looked awful
As he stared at the SPAM on his waffle.
"I'm afraid I'm in no state
To digest this inchoate
Amalgam of rancid pig offal!"
584. (Apr 19th)
"I should think, now that you're past your prime,
That you shouldn't spend quite so much time
On each single SPAM verse,"
Said the new night-shift nurse.
"Try a mickman-type, boilerplate rhyme."
585. (Apr 20th)
The 12th century Baron d'Hormelle
Was a master tactician but fell
When an arbalest's bolt
Turned him into a dolt:
His descendants were like that as well.
586. (Apr 21st)
Dear Geoff Holme, You don't know me. I'm Lara Hime.
When it comes to SPAM verse, you're a star! A rhyme
Like, say, five forty-eight
Is a real all-time great--
One which others should use as a paradigm!
587. (Apr 22nd)
After all the SPAM verses I've penned, if
I lapse, please forgive me, dear friend. With
My ed., Brenda Chisholm,
I trace each solecism,
Like the odd preposition I end with!
588. (Apr 23rd)
Drinking Chateau Lafitte from chilled glasses,
Rupert's coterie nod as he passes
Final judgment on SPAM:
"To each right-thinking man,
It's mere pabulum for the dull masses."
589. (Apr 24th)
The Church of St. Jay the Divine
Has a beautiful pork lover's shrine
Where old Father Francesco
Has unveiled a new fresco
Showing SPAM as the Gadarene swine.
590. (Apr 25th)
Now that the warm weather's begun,
I smear SPAM grease, to ward off the sun,
On a bevy of beauties
As part of my duties.
Hey, it's tough but it's gotta be done!
591. (Apr 26th)
Grandpa Glen has a gift for prejudging--
Take him out for a meal and he's grudging:
"If SPAM's not on the menu
At this restaurant then you
Can take it from me--I'm not budging!"
592. (Apr 27th)
You can see why the Romans recline--
Such a feast of fine food when they dine!
Ab ovo ad mala,
Via quail and impala.
And there's no sign of SPAM. How sublime!
593. (Apr 28th)
As the wild, staring eyes, then the wince
And the cold perspiration evince,
Joe would love, if he could,
To skip soup, SPAM, and pud
And go straight to the coffee and mints.
594. (Apr 29th)
As the coffin slid on to the cart, he
Thought right back to the night of the party
And just could not believe
SPAM he'd served up for Steve
Could put paid to one so hale and hearty.
595. (Apr 30th)
When he saw her SPAM-pink skin-tight trousers,
Walter jumped to his feet and yelled "Wow, Sis!
Numbers must now increase
In Pork Lovers for Peace":
A cause which he greatly espouses.
596. (May 1st)
"This invite is no great surprise
So, darling, a word to the wise...
Skip your mother's alfresco
SPAM party and let's go
Live in Dar Es Salaam till she dies!"
597. (May 2nd)
With 300 verses or so,
I'm The King of The SPAMerick! There's no
Need for vaticination:
It's clear my fascination
With SPAM will continue to grow!
598. (May 3rd)
My temper's got worse, my wife reckons;
More than ever, a spell inside beckons.
'Cos I started a donnybrook
When an asshole named Johnny took
My place in the queue for SPAM seconds.
599. (May 4th)
It's no wonder that I'm always chary
When we visit my wife's sister, Mary.
She's great fun and good-looking
But no great shakes at cooking:
What she does with her SPAM Lite is scary...
600. (May 5th)
The guy at Drug Rehab is quirky;
Bringing pork luncheon meat into work, he
Says "If you feel a pang, grin
And try to be sanguine:
Cold SPAM is much worse than cold turkey!"
SPAM is a registered trademark of Hormel Foods Corporation for luncheon meat. The Haiku Archive Master and the contributors to this website have no legal, commercial or financial involvement with Hormel Foods. Neither the information presented here, nor the manner in which it has been presented, has been sanctioned by Hormel Foods.