601. (May 6th)
A Hormel spokesperson named Celia
Says that now SPAM containers are steelier:
In elliptical orbits,
The cold, freezing hoar splits
Thinner cans when they reach their aphelia.
602. (May 7th)
If you want to know what made young Bob sob,
It began when he started to hobnob
With those SPAM meat abusers:
Not a path he'd now choose as
It made his balls burn and his knob throb!
There once was a young sow named Pam,
Who had an affair with a Ram.
The result of her sins
Was pink meat in blue tins
And the folks at Hormel called it SPAM.
604. (May 8th)
When I made my Tabasco SPAM bake (a
Simple gift for my neighbor, a Quaker)
His irenic tradition
Overcame his suspicion.
Now his soul is at rest in God's acre.
605. (May 9th)
Writing SPAMericks can be quite laborious
And the time it takes up is notorious
For its toll on one's marriage.
But that shouldn't disparage
My verses: they're all meritorious!
606. (May 10th)
Our friend is well known as a gourmand.
He's a likeable guy but he sure stunned
Us with his confession
That his SPAM meat obsession
Had caused him to plunder the poor fund.
607. (May 11th)
Shed a tear for my first cousin, Clyde:
A large piece of SPAM Lite that he fried
Lodged inside his esophagus.
Now his engraved sarcophagus
Warns the odd passer-by how he died.
608. (May 12th)
Penning haiku on SPAM or SPAM Lite?
Count your syllables: make sure they're right!
The SHAM, John N. Cho, kicks
Anyone who is prolix
Off his world-famous SPAMku web site.
609. (May 13th)
Though Hormel's main product is panned
The management stand by their brand.
But each time that a man dies
It serves to aggrandize
The case that SPAM meat should be banned.
611. (May 14th)
O frumious Bandersnatch, pray
Did you see a Dormouse pass this way,
With a Hare and a Hatter
Bearing SPAM on a platter
And a tea service on a large tray?
612. (May 15th)
I love quiet: my one greatest fear
Is a loudmouth who bores me to tears.
When I meet someone garrulous
I feel so much more valorous
With a plug of SPAM meat in each ear.
There was a young lady from Dallas
Whose treatment of SPAM was callous.
She'd open the can,
Take the meat in her hand,
And use it much like a phallus!
Across the desert, arid and bleak
the wagon's axles started to squeak.
The noise disturbed everyone's peace
'cause they forgot to bring some grease.
But a gob of SPAM was the best technique.
A gluttonous gourmet named Hans
Ate "Sautéed pink SPAM with red ants."
With the utmost aplomb
He would fart like a bomb
Till he blew purple holes in his pants.
A courageous crusader called Kirk
Snacked SPAM while topping a Turk.
When he pulled out his sword
He muttered, "Good Lord,
I believe I'm going berserk!"
While hunting the SPAM in Khartoum
I used the abominable broom
To batter its brains,
While taking great pains
Not to mess up the Caliph's bedroom.
An articled clerk from Berlin
Was obsessed with the idea of sin.
He crept into bed
With a virgin unwed,
Then ate an outdated SPAM tin.
A fastidious old lady, Hortense,
Saw a SPAM which was perched on her fence.
"If it's not gone tonight
I'll shoot it at sight
And send it to where it came whence."
The fate of SPAM is oft' repeated.
In a skillet it must be heated.
The stuff looks so yucky;
ship it down to Kentucky.
Even my dog won't eat it!
It's poor manners to eat and run--
but my SPAM was not quite done.
The result was quite dismal--
break out the Pepto-Bismol.
Better yet, call 9-1-1.
Hot day at the lake--I'm under a tarp.
"Useless day for fishing," I began to harp.
Ran out of worms by ten o'clock.
Substituted SPAM that I found on the dock.
Worked just fine--caught a big carp.
At the wedding reception the guests arrived
hoping for a sumptuous dinner derived.
Alas! the entrée was comprised of SPAM.
Then at the doorway formed a traffic jam.
The poor bride fainted, but was revived.
624. (With apologies to Nantucket.)
There once was some meat from Nantucket
that caused me to heave in a bucket.
They called it spiced ham
but 'twas actually SPAM
How could I help but up-chuck-it?
"Dear Watson!" old Sherlock Holmes said,
"It's made from a hairy pig's head,
Then plopped in a can
And they call it a 'SPAM'.
But I'm not at all sure that it's dead!"
A glutton from far away Samir
Had a face that broke mirrors like a hammer.
She said, "On the SPAM farm
They notice my charm,
And my generally gorgeous SPAM glamor."
There was once a man from Bath
Who found a can in his path.
He cracked open the can,
Which turned out to be SPAM,
But the taste made him violently barf.
The ubiquitous nature of SPAM
Means it's there where you are (or I am).
It's wherever one is;
Old Cathay, or Cadiz,
Or Thailand (once known as Siam).
There was a young man made of SPAM
Who was trying to get himself tan.
So he lay in the sun
And just watched the rain come
Too pork-brained to get back in the can.
SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM
SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM
SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM
SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM
SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM.
My cats Brandon and Squeek both like SPAM.
Can't find them? Just open a can.
From the bed or the hall
They'll both bounce off the walls
And come running as fast as they can.
I like to squish SPAM with my toes.
It has texture like nobody knows.
Though I do like to eat it
I'd rather mistreat it
But I will not put SPAM in my nose!
My friend had a truck made of SPAM.
After thousands of miles, still it ran.
While in traffic one day
He was heard to say
Does somebody smell pork? Well I can!
SPAM's finished its evil plan
Gone's my will to be a man
I'll stick in this rut
Just sit on my butt
And lick the inside of my can
There once was a hungry guy, Sam, Who had a strange fixation for SPAM. Opening the can was not easy And it made him all greasy Then he said, "I stink, therefore I am."
There once was a girl named Bram,
Who was sick of just ordinary ham.
Hair and salmonella,
She put it together,
To make the treat known as SPAM.
I once took a trip to Japan.
You should go there one day if you can.
I had sushi in Tokyo
And thought it was okayo
But I'd rather have SPAM in a can.
SPAM is a registered trademark of Hormel Foods Corporation for luncheon meat. The Haiku Archive Master and the contributors to this website have no legal, commercial or financial involvement with Hormel Foods. Neither the information presented here, nor the manner in which it has been presented, has been sanctioned by Hormel Foods.