Cut by Editorial
We have a lot of good ideas, but occasionally some fall through the cracks.
#6 Unstoppable -- The Real Frank Barnes Uses His Dick to Stop the Train.
In Unstoppable, Denzel Washington plays Frank Barnes, a train engineer who manages to stop a runaway engine carrying a payload of explosive gobbledygook before it crashes into an orphanage full of disabled children. In the end, he manages to slow the train down, climb on to the roof, jump aboard, and bring it to a halt. (Um...spoilers). But in reality, the door to the train's cab has been damaged in an earlier explosion (pretty much everything was exploding, like, the whole time), so he was only able to open it about three quarters of an inch. Thinking quickly, Barnes sticks his dick inside the slight gap and, by wiggling his hips and thinking about his wife, managed to manipulate the controls into bringing the train to a complete stop. When interviewed about it later, Barnes was quoted saying "Yup, that's totally how I did it. That's exactly what happened. Why would I lie?"
In the history of sex, very few inventions have facilitated irresponsible and indiscriminate boning as the condom. To its credit, the condom stays on the male member a whopping 98.1% of the time and is credited with stopping a metric fuckton of diseases, quite literally. Which is great if you want to avoid disease or pregnancy. The problem is that this popular safety measure is absolutely useless in keeping you from sticking your dick in crazy and/or having crazy stuck into your target orifice. For all the protection offered to the penis, the condom does nothing to shield you from someone's profound mental issues. It will not stave off weirdos who will steal your money and it is wildly ineffective at screening out a legion of text messages. The only thing we know that fixes this problem is common sense, but that's even more embarrassing to buy at the convenience store than a pack of Trojan extra-smalls.
#6 Winston Churchill vs. Fruit Salad
Of the many accolades given to Mrs. Doubtfire, aka the only family-friendly film about a desperate transvestite, one is inevitably skipped: historical reenactment. Most casual viewers of Robin Williams' mediocre post-cocaine days don't realize that the run-by fruiting scene is actually taken from an abortive attempt in 1941 to assassinate Winston Churchill. The veritable English statesman, best known for his witty quips on prostitutes and dealing with this mess called World War II, was nearly killed by a North Korean assassin wielding a bowl of fruit. And by nearly killed, we mean was in more danger from laughing himself sick over the least probable assassination attempt of the war. The assassin failed to realize that cut up bits of pineapple are far less lethal at high speeds than the entire fruit, no matter how much time he spend carving them into wee bullets.
#6 Dazzler Becomes a One-Woman Killing Machine
One of the most laughable members of the X-Men is Dazzler, whose powers amount to ILM with spandex-clad breasts. That is, until the gritty reboot transforms her into a unstoppable monster hell-bent on revenge. After her mother dies of cancer caused by industrial waste, Dazzler goes berserk with grief. She trades her enchanting light show for a set of eyeball-melting gamma lasers, in honor of the radiation treatment that failed to save her mom, and goes after environmental terrorists like graduate students go after free food. As the death toll rises, we're treated to the slow descent of a glorified pole dancer into a crazed assassin who would give even the Punisher pause.
#7 Man Sits on Jesus' Manger
Ever since scientists found the Dead Sea Scrolls in a cave, kept approximately where most of us would stash our porn, archeologists have gone digging around in ancient ruins hoping to stumble on something amazing. Aside from lots of rocks and the occasional carving that might or might not be a dick joke, they haven't found anything of worth. That is, however, until a group puttering around near the ruins of the Second Temple came upon, according to the relatively well-preserved scrolls nearby, the manger in which Jesus was supposedly laid. Naturally, this finding would have been utterly transformative, both confirming the birth of Jesus and his presence in a barnyard. Sadly, before further research could be conducted, an American tourist wandered over, plopped himself down on the wooden trough (which promptly collapsed into a pile of ancient toothpicks), and mopped his head with the scroll. Just another example of idiocy and obesity combining to destroy something wonderful, much like Honey Boo Boo destroyed any remaining goodness on Lifetime TV.
#6 Giving Support to Victims on Twitter
Of the almost twenty million tweets sent immediately after SuperFuckStorm Sandy, a good number contained useful information about road closings, places to evacuate, and the ever-crucial update on celebrity activities. The rest, though, contained heartfelt wishes and thoughts for the victims of mother nature's Jersey shore hatefest. We've been taught that one of the best forms of charity is awareness of the situation. Well, second to actually doing something, wherein lies the problem. Talking about someone's suffering on Twitter actually does very little to help those people with their issues. Performing a physical action, through a donation or participating in something you can't fuck up, does something.
#7 Tidus/Yuna vs. Lulu - Final Fantasy X
In the history of the Final Fantasy series, there have been few female PCs as attractive (and boobular) as Lulu, one of Yuna's guardians from Final Fantasy X. Although ridiculously hard to cosplay without looking like an overdressed leather fetishist, Lulu is the most useful supporting character in FFX. So useful that, in fact, she can more or less defeat every monster from the middle to the end of the game without breaking a sweat. Even without her impossible-to-get ultimate weapon, using doublecast and flare will kill everything in the game in a single round, leaving the other party members standing there awkwardly. So why bother? Rent Tidus and Yuna a cheap motel room, get the rest of the party ripped on cheap beer, and send Lulu off to do the dirty work. You'll finish the game in half the time and you can go back to working on your Kimhari/Auron slashfic.
Game chat rooms are often populated with a part of humanity who interact with the rest of us unfortunates by throwing around a spectacular array of racial slurs, anti-gay propaganda, and misspellings that would cause your fourth grade teacher to go on a tequila-fueled rampage. One of the most common of these terms is the epithet noob. While most would say it comes from the word "new", it actually comes from a famous Roman soldier Noobias Eternas, Noobias was a young conscript barely trained in the ways of war, so he was given the hard-to-fuck up task of holding a torch during a night march. He managed to fuck up. When confronted by the oncoming enemy, he panicked and set himself on fire. The Gauls pitied the Roman army for having such an incompetent member, enough so that they invited the Romans to have a beer and forget about it. However, the Romans were so embarrassed that they killed everyone, friend and foe, leading to an utter rout at the Battle of Arretium. Thus, the term noob actually means "someone who causes blinding rage in a friend and pity from an enemy."
#7 Today's Lesson: Acid Trip!
John Moss is a teacher who was slipped acid by one of his students and who, wisely, decided to lead a field trip while blogging the batshit things he saw. A fourth grade teacher thought so highly of the report that he decided to emulate it. After dousing several bottles of soda with LSD, he threw an impromptu pizza party, handed out laptops, and let the fun begin. Within minutes, he was in the middle of a chaotic freak-out that would make a bomb threat in a theater look comparatively orderly. Instead of passively writing about the pretty colors, his students demanded to know what was going on, licked the floors, had existential doubts, and least fun of all, texted their parents as best they could through the hallucinations. He was, predictably, thrown in jail for attempting to teach a lesson that was both horrifying and utterly worthless. Everyone knows that ecstasy goes best with pizza.
#7 Man Stakes Out a Fake Pizza Order
In the Cleveland suburb of Brunswick, Ohio, a man who was apparently pretty hungry decided that he needed to eat and eat well. He was also apparently out of money, because he decided that he was going to steal some food. Specifically, some Papa John's pizza and wings. So he covered his face, barged into a store, and demanded some food, right? Nope. On the night of his grand pizza theft, a man called in a fake order to Papa John's, and then staked out the apartment he'd asked the order to be delivered to. While the delivery guy and the residents tried to figure out what had happened, he stole the food from the delivery guy's car that was to be delivered later on the route. A completely unnecessary way to complicate a simple robbery.
#8 A Turtle is Charged with Incompetence
We've previously established that turtles are excellent at many things, such as eating jellyfish and pretending they're starving to death. However, turtles are lacking in their ability to handle and interpret forensic evidence, no matter how many episodes of CSI they watch. Nonetheless, the San Diego police department decided to put an African spurred tortoise in charge of collecting shell casings from a crime scene. It arrived on site, crawled around, and fell asleep shortly thereafter. Charges against the defendant were dropped because "a turtle failed at its job" didn't help the prosecution's case. Compounding the idiocy was the subsequent choice to put this turtle, named Bambi, on trial for gross incompetence. The trial is ongoing because assessing tortoise acuity at a job it physically cannot do takes infinite time.
According to Norse Mythology, Ragnarok, otherwise known as final destiny of the gods, is a cataclysmic event that features a series of epic battles that culminate with death of the hottest member of the Avengers. For the mere mortals upon the earth, the event will be marked by the sky becoming dark, flames touching the heavens, and the utter extermination of all humanity except for one guy and one girl who hide in a forest. Luckily for all of us, it turns out that Ragnarok has already happened, except not the way you think. Some scholars have stated that Ragnarok was an allusion to the multiple volcanic eruptions that happen in Norway, of all places. And while Norway hasn't had a major volcanic event in years, Iceland's Eyjafjallajökull (Icelandic for "Googling 'Iceland + Volcano'") picked up the slack. Its 2010 eruption dicked over a remarkable amount of Europe while generating images that were pretty fucking apocalyptic. So you can go about your day confident that you'll not be seeing Skoll devouring the moon anytime soon...except in that one hentai.
#6 Our Culture is Individualistic
Teamwork is one of those management buzzwords that gets lobbed around like a water balloon of bullshit. The average schmuck in an office needs figure out how to get along with other people without the use of veiled (or blatant) threats because that's what companies now expect. The problem is that the US is an individualistic culture: we value personal achievement over group harmony, which is why Justin Timberlake and Beyonce went solo. Throwing together a bunch of individualists means just grouping up people who care more about their own successes than that of the company and their coworkers. As a result, the American workforce resembles an ending of The Wrath of Khan in which Spock throws Kirk and McCoy into the engine room, flips off the Enterprise, and warps into the sunset with Uhura in one arm and Sulu in the other.
#9 The Cure for the Common Cold
Drug makers understand that curing the common cold would guarantee a revenue stream so high that everything in the lab, including the techs, could be gold plated. With current drugs merely shortening the cold's duration, no one has gotten even close. That is, except for Flanders McDougal, who quite literally stumbled into this batshit cure for the common cold. While spelunking in Alaska's El Capitan Caves, McDougal sneezed and tripped face-first into a rich deposit of guano. The cold he had been nursing was gone within the hour, along with any shot of schtupping the hottie tour guide. Alas, marketing this cure has been unsuccessful, since not many people want to cover their faces with steaming excrement. This is surprising, given how many people drink Bud Light.
#8 An Entire City
Forget the movie Innerspace. Doctors in Chicago recently cut open a woman's abdomen to discover a fully-functioning mini- metropolis where her liver was supposed to be. For years, she had complained of unusual palpitations in her side, inexplicable weight gain, and the sound of people cheering whenever she drank vodka. She was repeatedly informed that she was crazy, especially since she tended to drink one of those flavored vodkas that will lead to Putin nuking a sorority one day. In desperation, she induced projectile vomiting so impressive that it warranted a CT scan, at which point an unusual mass was located on her right side. During the surgery, the inhabitants of the city reportedly apologized, offered to keep it down, and proposed a way to turn her excess fat into cheap electrical power. Surprisingly, the woman consented to this arrangement and now makes a great living charging cell phones in bars using nothing but her stomach and a box of donuts.
#6 Open Heart Surgery
In most movies, someone has a heart attack and it's a big deal. You have to get the poor schmuck to the hospital while dodging, depending on genre, unexpected traffic, zombies, wacky neighbors, existential angst or a combination of all four. Following the frantic/touching/hysterical emergency room scene, there is the inevitable surgery shot, where the cardiac surgeon is sweating bullets, ordering nurses to give him retractors and blowjobs, and panicking as blood spurts out of every conceivable orifice, including his own anus. Except, that's not the case. Most open heart surgeries aren't that complicated or that hard. Sure, training to be a surgeon takes more skill and intelligence than most of us possess, but the actual surgery isn't that difficult. You go in, dick around in the body's second most important organ, and get out again in a few hours. If things go wrong, you sure as hell don't freak out. You stay there, clamp the bleeder, do your job, go home, and weep over your student loans.
#9 Seriously, What the Fuck?
Even though science has conclusively determined the saddest song ever, there are many questions still left to investigate. In spite of its impressive 30.62 billion dollar budget, which is not so impressive when you realize that it's still less than the cost of a single F22 Raptor, the NIH still has not provided the answer to our most pressing question: seriously, what the fuck? It's a question we ask every day about everything from "Is my ex-boyfriend seriously dating that skank?" to "Haiti still hasn't recovered from the earthquake?" yet we have no effective answer. The problem lies in how science is conducted. Unlike most fields, science relies on quantifiable, limited hypotheses based on facts, at least when it's not being conducted by Harvard researchers. Attempting to design a model for every instance where we ask, "Seriously, what the fuck?" would require more time, resources, and creativity than exists anywhere in the US except in the minds of people attempting to prove Rule 34. And we really don't want to know what they'll come up with.
#10 A Freaking Battlemech
Anime fans can now live out their dreams of piloting their own battlemech thanks to Suidobashi Heavy Industry. While they only have one model code named Kuratas, they're already accepting pre-orders to the tune of $1.4m and of course, since this IS Japan after all, Kuratas is street legal in Japan. So what do you get for such a hefty price tag? Kuratas stands 14ft tall and weighs in at around 4 tonnes. It uses the AE "V-Sido" robot operating system, which we're assured is better than Windows 8. What about the firepower? Suidobashi has you covered there as well. It comes already equipped with something called the Lohas Launcher that fires missiles of water and twin gatling guns that fire 6,000 BBs a minute every time you smile. And for an additional $100, they'll even install a cup holder. Cause you don't want to have to decide between giving the guy next to you the biggest middle finger in the world or spilling your coffee.
#6 Nikola Tesla
Thanks to being dicked over by grade-A asshole and genius Thomas Edison, Nikola Tesla remained a historical footnote for decades. The fickle hand of internet popularity eventually saw fit to bring this man out of his obscurity and prop him up as some sort of counter-culture god of science, research, and badassery. What few realize is that Tesla's seminal invention, the Tesla coil, was in fact stolen from a prostitute known as Mary "Opera House" Griffith. Apparently, during one of their more romantic interludes, Mary expounded on her idea for a way to create high voltage, high frequency alternating current using Tesla's, er, coil. He later transformed her casual pillow talk into a transformer of limited use and endless technological swagger. Its actual origins, though, do explain why most early coils were made using copious amounts of baby oil.
# 9 My First Surgical Kit
Back in the day, finding medical care wasn't as easy as staggering into your local Wal-Mart clinic: you had to wait on the town doctor to show up, then hope the old bastard wasn't drunk. So while Mom might've wanted some help stitching up Dad's latest tractor-induced wound, My First Surgical Kit seems like it would've caused more injuries than it healed. Produced in 1914, the vintage kit came with everything a budding doctor (or serial killer) might need: a toy-sized scalpel, needles, catgut suture thread, clamps, tweezers, and a miniature tourniquet so Junior could tie off that gusher. Considering the lack of manual dexterity in your average eleven year old, My First Surgical Kit must've added a whole new level of danger to playing "doctor".
#7 Luxembourg Defeats the Martians
Luxembourg is most know for being the only remaining grand duchy in the world and for being ridiculously hard to spell. Seriously, it took us four tries to spell the word before spellcheck ripped the keyboard out of our hands and told us to take a time out. However, tiny Luxembourg has the unique distinction of being the country that single-handedly defeated the Martians who tried to take the world by force. In 1982, the preliminary Martian invasion force of 200,000 heavily-armed aliens touched down in the Luxembourgian capital of Luxembourg...seriously...and attempted to take over. What they didn't realize was that every person in Luxembourg, from politicians to three year olds, is armed to the teeth thanks to their bordering that hotbed of bad ideas, Germany. A few minutes later, 90% of the Martians lay dead in the street and the other 10% returned to Mars to report their epic failure. We haven't been invaded since, thanks to that badass tiny country.
#6 It's Not Actually a Booze-Soaked Orgy
Those of us who saw Animal House as a kid realized on some level that it wasn't a documentary, if only because the trombones almost never go first in a marching band formation. However, most teens nowadays expect that upon entering the 12x12 cinderblock paradise known as their freshman dorm room, they will be literally swimming in genitals, cheap liquor, and an assortment of drugs that would make an 80's rock star weep in pure joy. Sure, it may be some of the worst sex this side of the backseat of a Chevy and the booze is about 1 proof shy of being water, but it's happening All. The. Time! What most people don't tell you is that college is actually a place to learn things that aren't just the best mixers for vodka (answer: more vodka). Most of the time, the guy funneling PBR on a Thursday night does spend some number of his other hours taking classes, doing homework, and studying. Even if he isn't, some number of people around him in even the craziest frat enjoy staying in school, so they will make him pack up and handle his shit so they can get a few hours of sleep. Because what everyone forgets is that if you spend too much time in college not doing the things that keep you in college, pretty soon you're not going to be in college anymore.
#7 Women are from Venus
In 1992, John Gray published his treatise on male/female relationships cleverly titled Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. The book describes how men and women are different in ways other than the whole penis/vagina thing. So everyone came away from this book realizing that the genders communicate differently and that we're from different planets. In fact, that last bit is a lie. Women aren't actually from Venus. Venus is a hothouse planet with a surface pressure of 90ATM and high deposits of platinum, if you feel like scanning for it instead of trying to fuck Jack Liara, Miranda, and Garrus. If women were truly from Venus, they wouldn't be able to survive on Earth. Some may say that Dr. Gray was being metaphorical, but if there's anything we've learned from science, it's that we should always take it literally.
#6 The Mighty Suburban Folk of New Jersey
Although it played an important role in founding of the United States, New Jersey has been more or less the punch line to every joke told in New York City since it was in the possession of the Lenape. What few understand is that the constant barrage of negativity from their neighbors has transformed the citizens of New Jersey from mere Americans to a civilization of industrial douchebags. Easily as well-armed as a Goth, with the bodily hygiene of a Mongol and the temperament of a Spartan, the average person who lives in Montclair, NJ now more resembles an ancient and fearsome warrior than the resident of a suburb in a mediocre state. With the advent of the reality TV show "Jersey Shore", the world at large encountered the terrifying culture that this tiny state has fermented for centuries. The characters on that God-forsaken show represent the most debauched, hedonistic, and depraved society this side of a Caligula-style orgy. Except, you know, Caligula made a horse a senator while "The Unit" was busted with horse tranquilizers, more or less proving our point.
#10 Bloof, the Sack of Flour
To capitalize on the success of the Bill and Ted franchise, Ralston Purina released Bill and Ted's Excellent Cereal, which was wildly successful in spite of its unsurprising resemblance to dog food. Inspired, Pillsbury approached this marketing scheme in reverse. They would add food to a phenomenon instead of turning a phenomenon into food, with predictably horrible results. Enter Bloof, the fighting sack of flour. Clad in burlap and reeking like a yeast infection, Bloof shambled onto the mat as one of the dumbest and saddest characters ever to grace pro wrestling. Unlike the Pillsbury Doughboy, Bloof had no endearing chubby cheeks nor girlish laugh when you poked his stomach. He was a 250lb alcoholic with bread-scented flatulence and an unfortunate tag line of "When you fight me, I won't stick to the mat", which scared precisely no-one. Someone at Pillsbury quickly realized that a man caked in flour was the worst way to promote a brand and mercifully pulled the plug.