On the Preparation of Coffee

A Human-use Analysis

What Does One Seek From Coffee?

I’m trying to live longer, so I drink copious amounts of coffee. But to get some perspective from some of the other potential users, I asked for their coffee drinking motivation. (Please note that the list is in alphabetical order and does not by any means indicate a heirachy of favorites.)

This is Adam. He's one of my favorite people in the Known Universe. He likes to pick up heavy objects and put them back down in the same place. Here's why he drinks coffee:

The caffeine in coffee provides the energy to get through a monotonous graduate school existence. It's also a way to sneak some extra milk into my diet.

This is Alvin. He too is one of my favorite people in the Known Universe. He likes to jump out of airplanes. Here's why he drinks coffee:

I drink coffee to live. No coffee, no go.

This is Bethany. She too one of my favorite people in the Known Universe. She's loves going to concerts and tells me all about them, though I've yet to be invited. Here's why she drinks coffee:

Coffee is delicious! You see, I started drinking coffee when I was bored at work. I was hooked and started to want more and more. Now that my "addiction" was established, coffee became a tasty way to pick me up when I'm feeling sleepy from not sleeping the night before.

This is Dan. He too is one of my favorite people in the Known Universe. Despite his extraordinary intelligence, he does not drink coffee. I want him to live longer so I encourage him to drink coffee every day, but thus far I have been unsuccessful. Here's why:

I don't drink coffee. Why? It's fake news.

This is Johan. He too is one of my favorite people in the Known Universe. He's going to fly fighter jets once he leaves here. Here's why he drinks coffee:

I drink coffee because it is tasty and I'm partially addicted. It helps me to focus while I am working.

This is Justin. He too is one of my favorite people in the Known Universe. He drinks an aweful lot of coffee and will probably live forever. Here's why he drinks coffee:

Coffee basically fuels my life, and I pretty much can't get through the day without it. It is liquid energy. And it helps my bowel movement.

This is Ryan. He too is one of my favorite people in the Known Universe. While he can be slightly agressive when we run out of beans, he's one of the nicest people in the known universe too. Here's why he drinks coffee:

It tastes good, it makes me more alert, and it makes me less likely to commit a homicide.

How are we going to help all these folks get their caffine fix?

There was a brief bit of discussion prior to our group's purchase of a machine. Here are the options that were evaluated.

Table of Contents

Home

What Does One Seek From Coffee?

Options for Extracting the Gloriousness

The Chosen One: Operation

The Chosen One: A Critique

The Chosen One: Thoughts from the Users

Is there a Better Way?: A Modest Proposal