1.
Landers: The "P" word.
Fuhrman: The "N" word (in spades).
What's next? The "Z" word?
2.
Ireland has Clinton,
Bosnia has loads of troops.
Peace breaks out--maybe.
3.
Things fall apart. Why?
The center cannot hold. Then--
You're left with wing nuts.
4.
Steve Jobs: Billionaire.
Netscape in the stratosphere.
What's the price of life?
5.
Gore checks his schedule;
Another state funeral.
"Co-Presidency"!?
6.
National campaign:
"Dare to keep cops off donuts."
Winchell's bombs White House.
7.
Queen Mother sets up
Date for Di with a doctor.
Name? Kevorkian.
8.
Brown dwarf discovered.
Oops--make that "star of color,
Spatially challenged."
9.
Newt spurned yet again,
But Clinton will pay--you'll see!
Amphibious gaze.
10.
Soon: Galileo
Dribbling down information
to a rocky earth.
11.
The "Rev." Lou Sheldon
Stands for what? In this case Rev.
Stands for Revolting.
12.
G. I. Joe's comin'.
Bosnians trade arms for shops.
Make money, not war.
13.
U. N. leaves Rwanda.
No matter--the media
Left long time ago.
14.
Yeltsin health crisis.
Al Haig shows up in Moscow.
"I'm in control here."
15.
Roh, row row your boat...
Bribes? No way! They were not bribes,
just fishing money.
16.
Papandreou sees
Dreaded face from his sick bed.
Oh no! It's Al Haig!
17.
Mimi offers choice
To the Greek electorate:
"Coffee, tea, or Mi?"
18.
Kim "Mr. Clean" Young
Sam borrows page from Nancy:
Just say "Roh" to bribes!
19.
Tis' the Season. Time
to laud the First Liberal:
Jesus Christ himself.
20.
Clinton. Bosnia.
I'm going. No, wait! I'm not!
Let's just send the troops.
21.
"I-75?"
"No." Signature now fastest
Way out of Dayton.
22.
IFOR package tour!
Merchant of Tuzla's motto:
"Trust but VeriFone."
23.
Whoopi gets divorced
Meets guy, gets married, has kid
Whoopi gets divorced
24.
Serbo-Croatian.
The hyphen still holds--barely.
Language of anguish.
25.
Bill Gates sips Java,
Watching Web surfers from beach,
Mindful of Sun burn.
26.
John M.: "Soldiers." Jacques
Chirac: "Legionnaires." Congress
sideshow: "Boys and Girls."
27.
Newt finally gets
his executive branch job:
Ambass. to Elba
28.
"Boycott Air Force One!"
Newt's tantrum sings. Wags retort:
"White Man's Rosa Parks."
29.
Big Sky Autobahn.
Pedal-to-the-metal, man!
Death toll to rise soon.
30.
Bosnian-to-be
Serburb of Sarajevo.
Program or pogrom?
31.
Bob Dole, Newt Gingrich:
Protecting children from smut?
Freedom slowly dies.
32.
Gates buys NBC
Nightly News with Tom Brokaw...
...wait, must fix bug first!
33.
Okinawa rape.
Fort Bragg shooting. Stray eagles
With bloody talons.
34.
"Juppé, I pay, we
All pay for striking! Ha ha."
The French do not laugh.
35.
O.J.'s Christmas gifts:
Ginsu knife, car seat covers,
Pre-shrunk leather gloves.
36.
Earthquake! They all said...
California Vanishes!
Instead, it's the rain.
37.
Burning flag hubbub.
Protect symbols, not people--
and Freedom is gone.
38.
Zhirinovsky calls
His party "virgin." Maybe
VIRulent, GIN-soaked?
39.
Exon's Gestapo
Spies on Internet. We sing
"Gedanken sind Frei."
40.
Ebola virus
rears its ugly head again
in Liberia.
41.
Fat Joey Waldholtz
Campaign fraud, extra money
Enid seems clueless
42.
Bosnian snowfall
Hides millions of deadly mines
But they'll still explode
43.
Abiola's Ghost
Of Christmas Future: Sani
Abacha's nightmare.
44.
Coming soon for your
Home-viewing pleasure: Yigal
Amir and his gun.
45.
Strike fizzles; Metro
Clatters again. Bombers come
Back from vacation.
46.
Clinton, alone on
Nomination raft, braces
For rough Whitewater.
47.
Gingrich, Clinton, Dole,
Send the Feds home once again;
Still can't get it right.
48.
"Slick Willie" Clinton
claims to protect Medicare.
Oh, he is so slick!
49.
"Slick Willie" Clinton
claims a seven-year balance,
uses funny math.
50.
"Slick Willie" Clinton
says "My figures balance it!"
Hundred billion off!
51.
"Slick Willie" Clinton
said "CBO numbers good."
Broken promises.
52.
Mr. President
Pissing contest with Congress
Taxpayers get soaked
53.
The pols are squabbling
Workers sent home once again
Taxpayers get tab
54.
GOP Congress,
No "business as usual."
Clinton won't agree.
55.
Will they work it out,
"Slick Willie," Gingrich, and Dole?
Wouldn't bet on it!
56.
Will they all be back
after the next election?
Wouldn't bet on it!
57.
Girl chained to her mom.
But who is under arrest?
Parenthood itself?
58.
Didn't see the signs.
Pre-law or Post-law, it's still:
Drive 75.
59.
Powell new V.P.?
Could be good, could be real bad.
Hope: We'll never know.
60.
Communists don't die...
They just enter elections,
campaign hard, and win!
61.
Russian voters sing
"Back in the U.S.S.R."
Lennon or Lenin?
62.
Pyongyang comrades share
Last pot of kimchi. Kim Il
Sung's portrait smiles on.
63.
Budget woes go on
Newt and Clinton duke it out
Everyone loses
64.
Mothers of Kwangju's
Martyrs prepare two new graves:
Right fit for Chun, Roh.
65.
Voting was great fun!
Democracy works! Now let's
Go kill those Chechens.
66.
Neo-Nazi in
Austria pleads guilty. Says
"Ich bin ein Wiener."
67.
Charles, Di to divorce.
Pity. Now I guess famine
and disease won't stop...
68.
Nixon film: "Not right!",
"Save his dignity!", they say.
Oh yeah, real great guy.
69.
Jerry and Barry.
Bonehead call, Aikman whining--
Nice to have known you.
70.
Christmas--Jesus born
Came from Heav'n as one of us
God's love is so great!
71.
Penitents in line
Outside each confessional
Come home for Christmas!
72.
Christmas--time of peace?
War has stopped in Bosnia
Herzegovina.
73.
Christmas--peace on earth?
No fighting in Belfast now,
Been more than a year!
74.
God's peace comes to men?
Inkatha shoots ANC--
We don't get it yet!
75.
25 years back,
Nixon deputized Elvis.
Why aren't we drug free?
76.
Jimmy Stewart fine--
cannot be felled by table.
Christmas A-OK.
77.
In the film Nixon
Hopkins never takes a shit.
True-life depiction.
78.
Presidential types
Parade. Election year? No.
Korean courtroom.
79.
Roh calls army as
Surprise witness. When smoke clears,
Whoa! He's not guilty!
80.
Our troops could do what
They did for Okinawa.
Look out, Bosnia.
81.
Dr. Chirac, or
How I Learned to Stop Worry-
ing and Love the Bomb
82.
Government worker
Despondent, waiting for news.
Please pass the fruitcake.
83.
North Koreans starve
Weather devastates harvest
World ignores their plight
84.
South sends food to North
North detains ship's crew as spies
Bites the hand that feeds!
85.
North Koreans starve,
UN food folks pack and leave,
No more food to give.
86.
Lange got a lawyer
And got a press conference
Whine, whine, whine, whine, whine
87.
Clinton takes credit
For good things of '95
Spreads blame for the rest.
88.
Pols debate budget,
Photo op for media--
No results to show.
89.
Pols collect their pay,
Wrangle, lie, like nothing's wrong;
Public disgust grows.
90.
"Slick Willie" leaves town
Golfs at Hilton Head with friends
Government stays closed
91.
U.S. GI hurt
Mine blows up in Bosnia
Don't bet he's the last
92.
President Rawlings
Kicks his rival in the groin.
Dream on, Bill Clinton!
93.
Gramm wants to fire the
"Non-essentials." Okay, let's
Begin with "Gramm, Phil."
94.
Puerto Rico tops
In '95. Tourism? Rum?
Coffee? No. Murder.
95.
Woman passed for boy.
Tricks some towns, Utah nabs her.
Funny, her name: Hoaks.
96.
Hoaks's Hokey Hoax is:
Pretend to be boy for food.
One ugly woman.
97.
Compuserve buckles
under Weight of Germany.
Why not: "Take a leap!"?
98.
Naked pics on Net.
Can they really be that shocked
in land of "Sprockets"?
99.
Football fans throw ice,
hurt folks badly. No surprise,
where fans yell "Gi-uunts!"
100.
The ice thrower claims:
"I didn't throw it, I swear!"
Neither did O.J.
101.
World's Oldest Woman:
"Sells" rights to house to youngster.
He dies first. Bummer.
102.
Another year ends.
CNN impatient. Waits.
When is NEXT trial?
103.
Fault of O.C. crash:
Astrologer used daily.
Same one as Nancy's?