1.
getting attention
they negotiate ideals
"Freemen" are not that
2.
TV Guide coffee
silly sitcom actress sues
a clumsy rich bitch
3.
TV Guide coffee
burns litigious sitcom star
unconscionable
4.
Armey fights gas tax.
He "volunteers" students for
Suicide mission.
5.
Sex triggers attack?
No, says Harvard. Your heart's safe.
Bonk away freely.
6.
Argghhh! Gas costs too much!
Ban tax, let Iraq sell oil.
Tell it to the Kurds.
7.
Did Byrd reach the pole?
Cold fingers, coughing engines,
courage fades away.
8.
Congress Party is
No longer a sacred cow.
Bitter cud for Rao.
9.
Winnie, then De Klerk.
Nelson, twice-divorced, must keep
Children from fighting.
10.
The Burundis are
Getting drunk on a lethal
Vintage: Rwandan red.
11.
A strange sickness makes
Indians vote BJP:
Mad-at-Rao disease.
12.
Vegetarian
Is Texas beef chief. Does she
Know something we don't!?
13.
A smoking marsh hole,
Hopes and dreams strewn asunder.
ValuJet landing.
14.
More BANG for your buck!
It's a trip of a lifetime!
Fly with ValuJet!
15.
All-inclusive flight:
Food, drinks, film, THRILLS--what Valu!
Burial's free, too!
16.
OJ's on chat show.
All of Britain is aghast:
Sliced Bo "A la carte."
17.
Bowel transplanted;
Minnesota man gets the
ultimate "Gut Check."
18.
Climbing Everest.
Hallmarks of a disaster:
Blackened nose, blue cheeks.
19.
Just four weeks ago...
"Bob Dole won't let Bob Dole quit!"
Schizophrenia.
20.
Pace makes "Cool Salza,"
needs better name. How about:
"Kissing Your Sister"?
21.
Buchanan and Newt
Are *SPLAT* blindsided by a
Rotten D'Amato.
22.
Yeltsin, Zyuganov:
Old new bear or new old bear.
Russian voters yawn.
23.
Bill Clinton, Bob Dole:
Slick centrist or dour centrist.
Voters change channels.
24.
TVs already
Have I-chip built in--screens out
All intelligence.
25.
Admiral goes down
Unearned medals bring scandal
Boorda takes his life
26.
Admiral goes down
Jazz oust Spurs from title chase
Mailman delivers
27.
"Most Wanted" jailbird
Flew to Guatemala but
Was snagged by the Web.
28.
Basulta's wings clipped.
All he can do now is watch
Old Castro's beard grow.
29.
Boorda's tell-tale heart
Beat truths he wished not to hear.
So he silenced it.
30.
Oil beneath the sea.
China, Japan drool and glare.
Fuel for future wars?
31.
Bob Dole quits Senate
To salvage his weak campaign
No more free T.V.
32.
Tragic ValuJet
Disaster makes me wonder
Are sparrows safer?
33.
Bob Dole says good-bye
To most exclusive boys club
Can he live perk-free?
34.
Fires rage near Denver
Destroy ten thousand acres
Makes for bad skiing
35.
Chimps, anti-AIDS goo:
It seems to work for them, but...
Will we lather up?
36.
Everglades 'gator
Suffers indigestion, strange
"Pinging" in belly.
37.
While his people starved,
Saddam ate his fill from a
Plate of fried bean Kurds.
38.
Saddam's big surprise:
Opening the crate marked "FOOD"
He finds SPAM inside.
39.
Another surprise:
Opens the next one to find
Reagan's cake, Bible.
40.
Next one contains Quayle.
Some bureaucrat thought this was
A "fool for oil" deal.
41.
Clinton, scared of war,
ran to Oxford to dodge draft
and the Armed Forces.
42.
Clinton, scared of courts,
runs to Armed Forces to dodge
Paula Jones' lawsuit!
43.
Thanks to the papers,
Millions have read my ranting.
Still, I should bomb them.
44.
Ben Netanyahu
Don't want to look like "Yahoo"?
Change name to Netyi.
45.
Shocking the kiddies:
What is a father to do?
Like, really parent?
46.
Clinton's new nose job:
Bob Dole never let Bob Dole's
Nose get bobbed! You bet!
47.
Clintons owe 3 grand.
Whitewater undercurrent
gently pulls them down.
48.
Janet Cooke: "Trust Me!"
I'm not gonna lie no more;
"Jimmy's" grown up now!
49.
Searing hamburger,
self-demolishing race cars.
Memorial Day.
50.
Kashmir hostages:
No rescuers mired in sand,
just massive silence.
51.
Monks' blood spilled on sand.
A mad crescent looms above.
Church bells toll in France.
52.
Chechen vets come home
Unwelcomed, jobless, shell-shocked.
Can you say "Vietnam"?
53.
Prince William says "No"
To throne, navy. What bright brains!
Must be adopted.
54.
Mexican poor sucked
Dry of blood. Chupacabras?
No. Politicians.
55.
"You can't sue me, man!
I'm in the Army now!": Bill.
Dole blows a gasket.
56.
Clinton's cronies caught!
Convictions quake the White House
How high does guilt go?
57.
Europe let us in
reluctantly. Big mistake.
Block up the tunnel.
58.
Paisleyites and priests.
Too much religion and no
Christianity.
59.
Israeli voting:
Peace is now in the hands of
Soldiers and mailmen.
60.
Fiery silence,
glowing clouds and sonic booms.
Shuttle re-entry.